How Stupid Was I

 How Stupid Was I

I saw it

I knew it

I ran in anyway.

How Stupid Was I

Like a blood hound certain of a scent

I saw the future I dreamt of

I turned the particles of my dreams into concrete

And I walked proudly into my new world, with her.

How Stupid Was I

I took a deep breath at the bottom of my ocean

I wanted the death of monotony to be my vengeance

I wanted her love to baptize me, free me.  

How Stupid Was I

And how Stupid am I

sitting here now, broken and sunken

when I knew... I always knew

I wanted to die from this world and be reborn in her eyes

I am tired of this world

she... woke... me... up

How Stupid Was I

Now I turn my head from the sky

and look back down to the shackle on my ankle

and hear the clinks of the chain,

Just like everyone else around me.

How Stupid Was I

Sheets and Samurai Swords

 I didn't know her love would be so beautiful and wicked at the same time.  So many sheets have watched how diabolical she was with me...silent witnesses they were. But the memory of those sheets slash my mind like Kubikiri-Asa's sword.  The memories hurt more than the day she told me didn't love me anymore and walked away.  Now these memories run rampant like a mad samurai, slicing through any kind of concentration I try to function through my days.  The one thing it doesn't slash is her face and those sheets.  Sheets at her place which would get pushed to the floor, sheets what would get ripped off the bed in a hotel room, sheets at my place which I would pull over our naked and drained bodies after we ravaged each other. Sheets I would watch her sleep in. Sheets that would cling to her form, etching her curves in my mind.  Why doesn't the blade slash those memories... and save me.  Why do those memories remain impervious, why does her face live like the moon in my mind, pulling me to her, even though she's a ghost.  I used to lick her body, now all I have to lick is the bloody edge of this blade and wish that the blood is hers so I can get one last taste, but the blood is mine as I try to forget that I'm the one bleeding.  I can't even ask for my eyes to get slashed because the way she made love to me will be on repeat in my mind. I can hear Sisyphus laughing at me. The glimmer of the blade and shimmer of the sheets embody her glorious disaster as I tell my heart to lie still, lie still and break, break silently.

Hey Cupid, make you a deal.

 Hey Cupid, come 'ere... make you a deal.

That arrow you shot, took over 8 years to get to me, now she's with someone else.

No, I don't want another one.  I want this one.  This one is mine, see, look at the label.  I have the other half.  So here's what you do, since she does know I exist, I'm gonna cut you a little slack. I'll hit my reset button off  that bridge over there, and when she comes back for her next lifetime, drop me in right on time this time and hit her with the arrow.  We'll meet before she met him. Our tags will match and it'll be great, deal?

C'mon Cupid, that's not bending the rules, you did it once before... took him a few hundred years but he found her again and its the best love story in all the movies! I know ours will be just as great and you know it too.  You built our hearts from scratch, the same fabric and from the 2 elements, how could you not want to see this play out right?  Don't you want to see your handy work being showcased to the world? Cuz you know I'll make sure the whole world knows how perfect she is and how much we love each other.  You know I'll worship the ground she walks on.

What you mean you can't put me back like you did before.  Ok, I know you can make me wait in this lifetime, but that way... is a bit rougher cuz I gotta watch someone else love her. OK maybe I can endure the sleepless and lonely nights if it means I get her.  But are you sure you're going to make her come to me? When the time is right?  C'mon the time is right, right now bro, remember it wasn't me who messed up on the arrows. Mix ups are normal?!  I don't wanna hear that, that sounds like a you problem.  

Aren't you tired of Michael and them making fun of you.  Show 'em you got this love match making business locked.  Who else is you huh?!  Yea, that's what I'm saying.  OK so here's the deal, I'm gonna go chill over there, but ah, can I at least get to see her once in a while? She knows it's me too and a kiss from her makes all the pain in this world go away. She told me the world disappears when we kiss.  You can't put that on ice, have you seen her eyes?!  You can?  Bet!  Yea Yea I gotchu, I won't tell anyone else.  

What's that? Of course I know what kinda house she wants, a white house with blue shutters, a walk-around porch, and a room that overlooks a creek so she can draw.  I'll work on that in the meantime.  I plan to protect her with every once of my life, in every way possible. I'm gonna make sure she smiles everyday, she'll never feel alone ever again and I will be her rock. I just wanna die with her, you know? 

See, I told you, I got this, now go do what you need to do.  Talk to whoever you need to talk to, bribe whoever, trade favors, that sorta thing, anything you need to do. She is all I'll live for.  And I'll wait for the day I see her standing at my door, I'll let her in and that'll be the last time she'll ever leave my heart.  I need her, her hand, her face, her hair, her smell. Do this for me Cupid, Do this for us.    Peace.

The Sun in my Moon

 You know, when we met, and I saw my feelings grow into this Eden of hope and all things wonderful, I didn't realize how dark my writing was until you told me.  I had to laugh to myself.  All these years I've always depicted depth with violence, death and darkness.  I Imagined I made you feel that my love for you was something that was dark, not good, something to be afraid of and unintelligible for human consumption.  Even writing this now I think of all the ways I've depicted love and affection, though theatrical, but left this taste of morbidity. 

So let's rewrite this? How do you make me feel? It is all magic with you.  Your face is like a flower blooming in slow motion.  The warm feeling of hugging you is like watching Spring come and nothing can stop it...you just take me over and everything cold and dark goes away. Hearing you tell me you love me is like a warm wind on a cool Fall afternoon gently gliding over my face. You make me sore over mountains in crisp blue skies. You make me feel like I've never been here before. Kissing you is like drinking fresh spring water, I can't get enough and I keep drinking.  Your oceanic eyes take me on a voyage of us, with each star a dream and a moment of you and I, and I want to touch every single one of them.  The rush of knowing you're coming to see me, competes with the rush of Niagara Falls and I want to pour every drop into you.  Your smile as you approach me rivals the most beautiful sunrise I've ever seen. I will take your sun if you take my moon and hand in hand we will dance with the earth as our witness, forever.

Theft

 Do you know what love is?  It's being afraid to finish the lotion you gave me as a gift because it's the last thing I'll ever have from you that came from your hand.  It's fearing dementia because losing my memories of you might as well be the end of the world for me now. It's wanting to reach out to you everyday and knowing why I shouldn't . I'd rather see you happy, even though I'm the only one I want to see you happy with.  It's imagining me in your life everyday but knowing this daydream is the only luxury I'll ever have.  It's seeing every car that looks like yours and wondering if it's you coming to tell me we can finally be together and everyone in your life wants me there.  It's going through my email and seeing where I typed your name last and for split second thinking it was a new email form you.

Do you know what love is?  Love is torment.  Love is a hook in the bottom of my spine, wrenching and pulling me to find you.  It yanks me randomly away from work and I have to pause and hold my head down with the feeling of kissing you and missing you violently coursing through my body.  It's regret the weight of mountain chained to my neck as it hangs off a cliff. I fight with every muscle in my body to hold it up but wonder if I should just let it pull me over and dive after it in the biggest tragedy ever in mankind.  

Love is theft. Love is gang of dancing devils, prancing and stomping my heart bleeding out on the dirt.

Love is loneliness, the desert of all deserts, scorching solitude, silence that drives you mad and no end in any direction, while each gran of sand is your face.

Leave me alone love, you've only taken from me, I have nothing left.  Find someone else now.

The Nebula of Her

 I am flesh and I am bone.

I am flesh and I am bone, until I am dust.

I am flesh and I am bone carrying this eternal love for you.

And when I am dust, my love will float around in specs of grain slave to wind and time. 

I am dust in the wind across ages, each grain pocketing a piece of you, spreading the earth.

And when the sun explodes, every grain will ignite, and my love will morph into the flames and rage.

I am now flames of an exploding star slowly spreading across the universe in a slow expanse.

My love for you is now a burning nebula, filling all the space between the stars,

My love for you is now beyond space and time, as I am now beyond space and time.

I will love you forever then as I love your forever now.

Beyond flesh and bone and time itself

My love will never die.

#2elements

Paper Fire

 She didn't realize I saw her. It caught her off guard. She turned around and rolled out this huge sheet of paper with a fire drawn on it with crayons and started shaking and waving it at me. As she held it up, she roared like a kid imitating a lion. It was her defense mode. Looking at the fire, it was fierce and large, warning you would get burned if you tried to get too close. Her inner child roared and she even stepped closer, wanting to push me away or I'd  get burned. Yes, this was a fierce fire. But I had already seen her, and from the side you could see it was just a thin piece of paper. She didn't want anyone to know that.

What's funny was she would peek from behind this giant paper, looking at me with the crayons in her hand she use to color the flames. She has this smile on her face where she wanted me to be impressed or scared by her great wall of fire, but in her eyes she wanted me to stay. She wanted me to get burned and leave her alone but also wanted me to grab this huge paper and lay it down. But she didn't know how to stop shaking the paper and roaring. It's the only way she has come to be because others who saw her, hurt her, so it was safer to keep this wall of fire up, but at the same time didn't want me to walk away. 

She kept checking if I was burned yet, or walked away but also wanted to know that would still be standing there.  She would color in more flames and try to roar louder at times, but in her eyes when she peaked around, she wanted me to stay. If I ripped down her wall of fire I know it would be taking away the only thing she had left, leaving her vulnerable. It was the only thing safe she knew. If she only knew, I would be giving her me and my battalion of love in my chest which would protect her for eternity,  but this kind of love is new to her and others have fained this level of intensity and drowned when she opened up. I can contain her fire, I can cool her, I can match her depth. But for now she doesn't know it but she senses it, which is why she wants and hopes I continue to stay. Maybe she'll roar less and shake the paper less. Maybe one day she will lay it down on her own, and see that all I was doing was waiting to love her the only way she can recognize, the only way I know how to love. For now, I stand and  smile back at her every time she peaks around. 

Tick... Tock

 You tick the way you tick... I tick the way I tick. What if, the way we tick was intended to tick together and the reason no one else gets how deep we are, is because no one else was supposed to match with how we tick. And instead of seeing that our brokenness actually synchs, we're too busy looking at it's flaws. We're therefore diverted, distracted, disillusioned from the fact that we were made this way so that we fit!

So we go around ticking to the wrong people's tock and thinking it's us that need to keep modifying ourselves, when all along, my tick was meant for your tock. Too busy thinking we need the perfect tick to tick with the perfect tock. So we end up passing each other constantly in the night thinking every light in the distance is the lighthouse to paradise. We held hands before, and beyond words, beyond norms, we saw how we lit each other up. That was the only symphony we needed to hear but rose colored lenses kept us blind and fighting, when all we had to do was shut...them...out. If we quieted the noise you would see how beautiful you are to me. If we quieted the noise you would hear how our "broken" ticks fully synched and worked in it's own intended perfection. Our unmatched depth would find their home, but only if we quieted the noise. What is the story you want to write? That you denied me because the world said so? Or that you found where you belonged and got the live the rest of your days being folded in the arms of the home meant for you? It's time to stop standing outside in the rain. The clock is ticking.

Gemstone

 You expect me to discard you,

Because others have stepped away.

You expect me to look passed you,

Like a better option on the shelf below.

That's why you hide everything, 

Because everyone who looked, didn't see anything they wanted.

You keep checking the clock,

Because everyone said your time is up.

And you keep expecting me to find better, 

Because everyone made you feel you're not good enough.

But if you saw how I see you,

You'd know you are a more precious than anything in my life.

If you saw how you made me feel,

You'd know you're the only one for me.

If you saw my mind when I kiss you,

You'd know that I want everything about you.

If you knew how deep my love grows,

You would beg the gods to live forever.

If you knew why my hands never tire of you,

You would know that as you are, you are enough for me.

No one saw your gemstone, 

because it wasn't meant for them.

No matter how they looked,

No matter how much you offered it,

They would never see it.

It isn't something in you.... it's you.

It isn't a piece of you... it's all of you.

The prism of you has to be taken as whole.

I see my gemstone

I see you.

Fine

 You don't want me to tell you I love you

Fine

The sun looks for the moon everyday,

The same way I look for you.

~~~

You don't want me to tell you I need you

Fine

What is gravity without something falling for it,

The same way your hands need mine.

~~~

You don't want to tell me you love me

Fine

Your eyes tell me of a world where you only exist for me.

~~~

You don't want to tell me you need me

Fine

Your kiss has been a portal you've been fighting to get through everyday.

~~~

You say you'd be ok if I left

Fine

Your hug is always a slow fight trying to crawl inside my chest.

~~~

You're right, your words are an insecure bravado

Fine

Your eyes, your kiss, your hug, already sing to my spirit.

To Defy

 I will not give you a cup of water

I will drown you in my ocean

I will not lift your sails

I will fly you to another galaxy

I will not be a ray of sunshine

I will make you reappear in the center of the sun

I will not touch you

I will swallow you whole

I will not make you feel good

I will make your body explode like a falling star

I will not hold your hand

I will hold your heart

I will not catch you

You will be cradled in my love

I will not look into your eyes

I will search your soul, and find you

I will not talk to you

Our souls use another language

I will not leave you

I exist in the past, the present, the future, and after

You are mine

I will fight all the gods for you

After the Storm

 I swung, I swung again. I ducked, I rolled, I blocked, I jumped, I ran and swung again.  My shield broke in half a long time ago so I get hit with their claws and tails.  Their fire catches me sometimes. I jump, I swing.  Sometimes my sword finds them but they keep coming.  The air is thick with white smoke, it's windy, it's rainy.  Sometimes I slip and their demonic growl gets louder.  I'm tired, my arms are tired, my legs are tired, my soul is tired.  

Fighting your inner demons can immerse you away from life, but I didn't realize how I was losing time, losing me.  On the outside I was just existing to the world.  They saw me talking, walking, smiling, working.  On the inside, I was in a desolate dark valley fighting my demons.  I don't know who was winning, I just...kept...going. Why keep fighting I thought sometimes, just give up, let them come and consume me and turn me into one of them.  That's what they want.  But why didn't I want that, they kept winning every  time, or, I let them win.  Did I secretly want what they wanted?  But why am I fighting them with everything inside me.  Why do I keep swinging?  What is it that I feel deep down that this...is.. not.. who... I... am. 

Then out of the blue, I see you, standing there. Your dark hair flowing in the smoke, standing peacefully, calmly.  You stretch your hand out to me and simply say "come".  I say I need to fight them off to make my way to you.  But you simply say, they fight me because I fight them. That moment spun my whole being around.  With an immediate trust overwhelming me, I look down at my arms, I drop the half broken shield and my tattered sword. The growls of my eternal demons, echoed away and stopped.  I look back up to you and your hand is still stretched out, and you say again, "come, I see you, I take you as you are."  My feet moved towards you before I even realized.  I wondered how you were in this same place as I am, then I realized, you were fighting your own demons too and you found out how to make them stop.

You showed me I don't need to fight my demons, and I don't need to let them win them either.  My depth was etched by them, my passion was burned in by them, my intensity was clawed in with every strike.  The beauty of who I am was from them. The same thing happened to you and you found me, because I was the only person who could ever see you too.  The beauty in us is recognized by the other on a frequency irrepeatable, signatured only for us.  You woke up before I did and you came and saved me, because I am for you and you are for me.  We needed to be broken, burnt and built this way.  This was part of how we were going to recognize each other, the only way.  This valley is now our home, our demons, play as pets. 

Eternal Battle

 She is fire, he is water.

She burns, he drowns.

She roars, he waves.

Powers unmatched.

They both are gateways to something different.

Fully consumed in their elements, they get each other's depth and power.

... Infinite.

Their meeting was therefore inevitable.

Drawn to each other by a course of immense destruction and unrivalled beauty, 

The most powerful fire element, now meets the most powerful water element.

A battle for the ages.

The only witnesses, their hands, their lips, their skin

No one else will understand.

She boiled his oceans but only so much 

He doused her flames, but only a little

The went back and forth for centuries, neither seeming to win.

His depth was infinite, her flames  had no end.

What they could and did do, was dance, kiss, hold hands, lay on each other.

In each other, they found their match.

In each other they found something no else could ever understand.

This knowledge made them rage on even more,

Showing everyone else not to dare.

Only her flames took him out of his solitude

Only his seas could pull her in from her pain

In each other, they found each other.

This fusion of fire and water was an eternal reaction.

In that center where they touched, a violent reaction of erupting water and steam, which only they could contain, or so it looked from the outside.

But even in them, their bodies erupted, reacting to each other.

Their kiss was never enough.

Their interlocked fingers held each other's world

Their skin on each other's bewildered them to its familiarity,

despite their origins... despite it all.

They will forever engulf each other.

They will forever see forever in each other's eyes.

No matter what the world says.

This Is Not Love

 Comets bursting through our chests racing towards each other

This is not love

Our kiss is centuries old and touches the deepest ocean floor

This is not love

Only fools understand it, only the crazy see it

This is not love

I forgot how lived before I met you, and I can't go back.

This is not love

The home we never had, but knew we had to find.

This is not love

This world says no, your life says no.

This is not love

A craven crave, never quenched, no mater how hard I kiss you

This is not love

Always wanting you near, never wanting you to leave.

This is not love

How can my body feel like half a body ever since we touched

This is not love

Our start was a return, our return was just half the story

This is not love

Love starts, grows and at some point ends

This is not love

This is Comet fire, this is Comet Speed, this is Comet force

This is not love

If this is love, I loved you the day our eyes met and everyday since has been something bigger

This is not love

It has taken me and it has opened you.

This is not love

Only the cosmos and our kiss know what this is

This is not love

The Light Against Her Hair

Your love is fire, it burns me, but not my skin.

Your love is the ocean, it drowns me, but not my lungs.

Your love is a lifetime, I die and come back for more.

It happens... over and over and over again.

I'm chained to by the waist, my loins yearn for your body.

I'm chained by the hands, they want to hold your face.

I'm chained by the feet, I can't walk away.

The chains swing me into flames, 

They lower me into deep water, over and over.

The flames ignite me the way your skin does.

The oceans captivates me the way your kiss does.

I die and come back, starting and wanting it all over again. 

Lifetime after lifetime... in a day, a moment, a second.

Time does not know how to save me, she just watches.

Why did you do this to me, I can't love anyone else,

I won't love anyone else. 

You can't let me go and I can't tear away.

But the chains matter not because we're driven to each other.

We climb for each other, with bare hands and no rope, in the dark.

Our thoughts dance together in a hypnotic chant.

I sleep not, you live in my dreams calling me, telling me to touch you.

I'm blinded by your beauty, I cannot see anything more, than you.

I can't rip you out of me

At the same time I want you buried inside me.

Your skin is my home.

My chest is your refuge.

Our kiss tears centuries apart.

This is when I realize, the fire fuses us together.

The ocean is our air to breathe, a space meant for no one else.

Coming back from death is our defiance, not torture.

You are not my prison, this is what finally feels like.

How We Make The World Disappear

8:30 on a Monday night, we finally make it to Throggs Neck Bridge, and start to cross over.  I rented an upscaled SUV and we're just floating for the last 2 hours. Coming back to Long Island after a 3 day weekend away upstate. It reminded me of a plane almost done with its dissent, and you can start to see familiar lights down on the ground.  You're sunk down in the passenger seat with one knee up on the door and your left hand reached over clasped in mine. A/C and music on, with a light rain beating on the windscreen and dancing with the wipers. You're staring out the window and I'm glancing at you once in a while. You feel me looking, you know I'm looking, and I see your cheek raise up from smiling. We squeeze our clasped hands once in a while.  Our thumbs stroking the sides of each other's hands, because feeling each other's skin is life to us. We're never not touching. The familiar undulations of the sectioned bridge road adding movement to our bodies, singling our approach home.  But the world is still not yet invited in.  Our one chore will be grabbing our leather weekend bags from the back seat once we pull into the garage, which will remain unpacked for about 2 days, lol. We know we're coming home only to curl up in our bed, 2 hours in separate chairs is torture for us.  You'll be on my chest talking about what we liked on the trip, we'll giggle and kiss till we fall asleep fully embraced.

From Before

 She wore black, she didn't want anyone to see her.

Unseen, unheard, she didn't want anyone to be her.

Little did we know, she wore my skin.

Little did she know, she would be up, wondering where I've been.

The day she walked behind me trying to hide, 

She didn't know, she would be invited inside.

A flight took off, with her in it

She didn't know, she had a ticket.

All this time, all these years,

A seat with her name in my heart, 

to remove all her fears.

She loves to the bone,

A life unrequited, she now has a home.

Our skins touching, was more of a return.

Our kiss ignited, and will forever burn.

We were separated lifetimes ago,

But now we're here, and now we know.

It never worked with anyone, and this is why,

We were from before, and now it's time.

The world may never understand,

But it doesn't matter as long as you hold my hand.

No more cold nights, no more broken hearts,

We have reformed, and will never part.

Time failed, we won.

Crawl inside me and make us one.

It was never what I needed, it was what I missed,

And you returned to me the day we kissed.

The world can burn now.

Everyone can turn now.

We have each other and that's all that matters now.

Lay on me, curl in me,

We are home, now we're free.

Wildfire

 I watched my world went up in flames, like a cane field in a high wind.  It rushed from one end to the next like a fast opening zipper, unleashing flames and heat.  But why did I close my eyes and lean my head back as the heat warmed my cheeks.  The wind from the flames, blew my shirt open and bared my chest. I was in rapture. Euphoric, as my hair caught fire and my cheeks started to melt and pieces started to drip on my chest. Your face was the last thing my human eyes saw as they popped and melted.  You were the last thing I knelt before as I fell to my knees.  You stood there, in all your glory, as my world torched and my body set ablaze. It was supposed to hurt but it didn't.  My memories of kissing you blocked it all out.  My braise sizzled but there was only one thing I could think about.  How did you do this to me.  You took everything about me and burned my whole world down.  You took everything, and I gave it.

As my flesh melted on the ground, my spirit stood up and as the flames surrounded my feet, I looked at you again and saw that you. too were made of stars, this whole time.  You were always in spirit form, but my human eyes couldn't see.  My human life was not the home for us.  It all needed to go, it all needed to be burnt to the ground.  It was my right of passage...to love you....to love you in your truest form.  I have to raise free my spirit and forget everything I learned.  In the middle of this wildfire, we stood.  Bodies made out of stars.  You started to smile at me and reached for my hand.  We touched but with your hand over mind, you couldn't tell them apart.  We were the same, we were made from the same cosmic space, you found me and I recognized you.  Familiar, and home at the same time.  I home I didn't know I missed, but a return at the same time.  This world is not our space anymore.  We live in each other. This is home now. 

Nothing matters anymore, just you, just me.  Our space, our time...us is ours.

The Devil's Hound Fell In Love

The sound of a heavy hand pats the side of his four-legged beast while it sleeps by his throne.  The red and black fur almost steel like raises up and down as it breathes.  Tired from another hunt....stealing hearts.  Its belly full with flesh and tears. His master only lets him sleep a little and shakes him back to life and says, "More".  The hound knew what that meant.  He has heard this word thousands of times before and expecting nothing less.  He is bound to fulfill his master's wish. The hound stands up, glares at his master and gets one last pat on the head before turning and running off with mission purposed gallops. 

"Who shall I hunt today?"

Browsing, sniffing, and licking his lips. Wait! Pause.  A scent he's never picked up before catches his attention. His ears stand up, his heartbeat picks up as he turns his head to find who this is.  A smell so captivating, a smell so pure, so new, unique in every sense of the word.

When his eyes sees who it is, his body freezes and melts altogether.  She was already looking at him.  This mighty hunter was spotted, compromised, taken.  Her face was not one of fright by his look, only a smile.  Before he knew it, she walked over and put her hand on his head. She was not afraid. What is this feeling taking over this dedicated soldier, he should have ripped her to pieces by now, yet he finds himself taken over by feelings he has only witnessed from his victims.  Is it possible he was capable of these very same feelings he hunted all this time.  Waves of this feeling crashed in, under her hand, her blue eyes, her warm hands.  Peace reverberated and pulled him down like an army taking down a wall, then, something he only did for his master he now did for her....he kneeled. She stroked his face.

"There now, you must be tired" she said.  "come with me, let's get you something to eat".  No leash, no collar, she just turned and walked.  His eyes widened.  He didn't realize he could follow her without being yanked around or commanded.  He was finally given... choice.  Choice to  be who he wanted to be, not who he was told to be. One step turned into 2, 2 into 4 and his feet followed hers. Intoxicated by her smell, his fur started to turn blue and purple instead of red and black.  He looked at his paw and saw this happening with awe.  He felt the skin of who he was forced to be start to lift.  His fur softened, brand new like a rebirth, an uncovering.  

Who is this woman? Why wasn't she afraid of what she saw? What made her know the real me was in there? What made her see right through this armor I've been wearing for 25 years.  As bewildered as he was, he still followed her.  She took him to her place of peace and fed him.  For the first time he ate food made of love, not fear and tears and he ate it all up like he's never had a real meal in his entire life.  She pat his back as he ate.  When he was done, he looked up at her and no longer was it fear and bewilderment but love, matching hers.  She did utter one command though.

"Now...Stay".

The Circle

 Some only know to exist under a difficult life because it allows them to make excuses for not being able to make the right decisions to pursue their dreams because the path to making their dream a reality won't be understood by the people around them they're currently getting validation from. They're so tied to the permission of their circle they become afraid to walk alone and put value to the ridicule of their peers. The dream now becomes so scary They hide under the blanket of a difficult life which fuels attention and "feel good" pity. The fear is fake, the attention is superficial. Their circle chains them to mediocrity because they are afraid to see someone from their equivalent circumstance actually make a dream come true, simply because it reveals their own fears and excuses stopping them from pursuing their own goals so they stop anyone who wants to grow. They don't want to see it done so they hold you down. Its not viciously done in most cases. It's done with polite phrases and soothing words, and offers to divert attention. It's a subconscious act, hence why the break away seems so daunting. Your faced with an imposed perception of leaving the warmth, acceptance anf support, for a journey of hardship, failure, loss and most importantly, isolation. You've been successfully tricked your goal isn't worth it and most importantly that their validation and acceptance of you is far more valuable than bringing your dream to life and completing yourself as a self actualized human being.  

But the journey isn't lonely, as you'll be so focused on the win that your vision will keep you warm and sooth you when your days of high effort leave you winded. Your zeal and ambition will be all the company you need. You will validate yourself every day you lay one brick, then another and another towards the dream. Each brick is a piece of that dream becoming real, and one day enough bricks will be laid and your dream will exist for real. Mediocrity is a layer of dust over your eyes. The circle's ritual is to keep pouring this dust in each other's eyes, and say "there now, dream not, for we understand it is hard. Trust in our companionship in this hard world. Stay with us so we can sooth each other about our hardship. Don't go out there alone and leave us, for we love you and care about you. Let's not incur the pain of failure, let's not be alone and cold."

This warmth, attention, acceptance, and validation is attractive but it's only purpose it to sooth them. If you lay in bed at night wanting a dream, wanting better for yourself then you are not cut from the same cloth, you do not have the same blueprint. You're the eagle who's been raised as a chicken. I dare you to take one step, lay one brick and see what starts to light up in you. Feel what starts to grow from deep within. It's a calling to the destination of who you are meant to be and once you start, it will not stop. This is why some remain in agony for years if not their entire lives because they fight this inner voice telling them they can be better. This turmoil is used against them by their circle to prove why it's better to stay with them. There is no turmoil, it's simply the clashing of an oriented behavior against the path you need to take. It's a big black wall but it's as thin as burnt ash. Poke one finger through, challenge their doubt, lay that one brick and you'll see the reveal. 

When they see that you see this, they will start to lash you like you've broken a covenant. They will say things to make you feel bad and threaten to take away the warmth, acceptance, and validation. But that is all they can do. Wash the dust out your eyes, see that the path to your dream is only asking for hard work, dedication and commitment. The journey is not one of isolation and rejection, it's only what they try to make you feel. Lay that next brick and hear the volume of the calling increases. Each brick it gets louder. The days of high effort, feel more satisfying than depleting. The closer you get the warmer you feel. True validation will start to flow from inside you as you see your dream start to take shape. True validation from your own hands, your own work will replace the false and empty words you've been believing all these years. Listen to the ache in your lower spine telling you this is not where you need to be. Listen to it... quiet your mind and listen. Feel how the lines of their blueprint doesn't match yours, feel how your wings and claws spread wider, bigger and sharper than all of theirs. Your difference is not an abomination, your difference is your proof you exist somewhere else and you need to find where you truly belong. Let the calling direct what you do with your hands, let it reshape your thoughts, let it move your feet to a new direction and rhythm. Let it control you, not them. Dreams are meant to be built.

A Love Story? (open piece)

Preface 

I warn you, if you've never cried for a villain, close this page book now and put it back on the shelf. There is no riding off into the sunset.  Your sighs will quickly turn to anger. The monster is a ghost changing faces and possessing even the damsel in distress. The heart broken will lose their right to pity, and sorrow is only an ingredient in the pie of confusion you'll be licking your fingers to.  

I was taught poison as love and given a broken lens to see the world. I thought its cracks were art. She possessed me with the only way I could ever love others.  As I loved, I infected.  I drained their hearts like a vampire, but the poison wasn't about being fed. It was like a drug, the more I had, the more I wanted.  My cursed insatiability was hidden under the pursuit of true love.  As I searched, I killed, as I killed, I wanted more, and the more I felt I would never find her, again, driving my search even more, doubling, even tripling my efforts. I made Bram Stoker's stomach turn and I made the devil raise his eye  brow.

But how did I get here? Bloodied hands, my lips red and tender from kissing death into my victims and ripping their hearts our as they dreamt of me. How did false love turn me into the reincarnation of Vlad the Impaler. Yet,  now, how do I sit here, not realizing my cape of darkness had the weight of a mountain all this time? Each day as I awaken to the trail of blood and darkness in my wake, the cape gets heavier and heavier, revealing it's true nature.  I wore this cape and every time I cut someone, the cape cut me and fused into my skin.  Eventually, cuts, thousands, and the cape replaced my skin.  I became pain and pain became me.  How do I rip it off.  Can you peel your skin off?  Can you dig your fingers in and use all your strength to peel it back?  Can you ignore your pain receptors while you rip your own flesh.  In my case the pain is memories, the pain is their broken hearts screaming in my head, maddening me to eternity.  It seems pain of death is my revival.  But do I deserve it? How do I get it?  What really is the penance of someone who became friends with darkness and a bloodhound lap dog of evil. Maybe we can understand this story, and maybe it will be a story of love.  Maybe there will be a sunset to ride off into.  Maybe the good guy can still win...maybe.

Quebec

(tba)

Tin Soldier

 I found out today that I'm not a narcissist.  They called me that and I thought it was something unique and rare.  Something to be stared, examined, and discarded. Neither was I a monster, not mystical being driven by some cosmic force unleashing destructive purpose as Karma's Rottweiler, sitting at her feet waiting for her next command, to attack. But instead, I found out I was simply broken, re-wired for pain. Wired like the rest of us.  Wired by our first experience with love.  Saddening and pitiful.

I marched right up to her with my shiny, young eager self. My gears turning in a musical hum, ready to love, smiling ear to ear.  She looked at my ignorant heart ready to love infinitely like a child, and she poured her glob of darkness all over it, and rusted it shut. She fused my mouth shut so I couldn't tell anyone what was wrong with me. All I became was attracted to hollowness and gears that couldn't work to save me.  Stuck. I couldn't move my feet to walk away.  I couldn't open my mouth to say help me.  

I was nothing special anymore, just another hurt person hurting people. A self encased prison, bewitched to never give the love I want to give, or ask for what I need.  Forced to chase empty victories and reset, only to chase the exact same emptiness again and again.  I challenged Sisyphus, and even earned his awe.

How do I get this rust off? Will I ever be shiny and new? Will I ever see the love I want and go after it? For now I remain cursed and rusted.  But at least I'm aware now.  A slow awakening it seems.  No plan yet but I will see what happens.  Maybe my friendship with Sisyphus won't last and he will forget me. Maybe I get to touch my dream one day.  Maybe one day, I'll forgive myself.

Night

 When pain comes for you, it makes your heart beg for healing. You want to go back to the routine of being together so you can forget it ever happened. Your feet want you go over there so bad that your cheeks can feel the very wind grazing your face as you drove over there with windows down.  

He felt his own torture. Any shifting or movement in his apartment, he would look to his door replaying scenes of her coming over after work and letting herself in. They would smile at each other. That smile that said forever. 

But pain is there supper now, they're breakfast, their lunch and bedtime story. To sooth himself he would unlock his door at bedtime  and dream she would come over in the middle of the night.

Her bed  never felt the same,  she didn't want to be in it. Her body wanted wind and swiftness, and to feel the door handle turning to go in and be by his side.

The torture would be too much one night. She flung herself in her car and sped like a messenger trying to stop a war with letter just written. This night he also left the door open. Her eyes widened as she turned it and it bent to her will. The darkness of the 1am night. The silence as he dreamed of her coming in, not knowing she was actually there standing in his living room. He dreamt, she sat for a while. She walked slowly to his room hearing his sleep sounds get louder as she got closer. His door was slightly ajar and she pushed it, exposing her lover, her home.  

At first he thought it was a dream, feeling his bed welcome a body crawling in it and arms quickly folding him in. His eyes opened and he went through startling fear to realizing it was her in one second. They look at each other, pain still cloaking their hearts, but knowing they can't fix it tonight. They embrace and sleep. No words now, none would work. None would be enough, even when she leaves in the morning, just a stare between them knowing one word; forever.

He never closed his door again. Sometimes she came over, sometimes not. He waited and sometimes she did not. A silent quiet love now, a shadow of its former self existing in a way only they would ever understand.