To Defy

 I will not give you a cup of water

I will drown you in my ocean

I will not lift your sails

I will fly you to another galaxy

I will not be a ray of sunshine

I will make you reappear in the center of the sun

I will not touch you

I will swallow you whole

I will not make you feel good

I will make your body explode like a falling star

I will not hold your hand

I will hold your heart

I will not catch you

You will be cradled in my love

I will not look into your eyes

I will search your soul, and find you

I will not talk to you

Our souls use another language

I will not leave you

I exist in the past, the present, the future, and after

You are mine

I will fight all the gods for you

After the Storm

 I swung, I swung again. I ducked, I rolled, I blocked, I jumped, I ran and swung again.  My shield broke in half a long time ago so I get hit with their claws and tails.  Their fire catches me sometimes. I jump, I swing.  Sometimes my sword finds them but they keep coming.  The air is thick with white smoke, it's windy, it's rainy.  Sometimes I slip and their demonic growl gets louder.  I'm tired, my arms are tired, my legs are tired, my soul is tired.  

Fighting your inner demons can immerse you away from life, but I didn't realize how I was losing time, losing me.  On the outside I was just existing to the world.  They saw me talking, walking, smiling, working.  On the inside, I was in a desolate dark valley fighting my demons.  I don't know who was winning, I just...kept...going. Why keep fighting I thought sometimes, just give up, let them come and consume me and turn me into one of them.  That's what they want.  But why didn't I want that, they kept winning every  time, or, I let them win.  Did I secretly want what they wanted?  But why am I fighting them with everything inside me.  Why do I keep swinging?  What is it that I feel deep down that this...is.. not.. who... I... am. 

Then out of the blue, I see you, standing there. Your dark hair flowing in the smoke, standing peacefully, calmly.  You stretch your hand out to me and simply say "come".  I say I need to fight them off to make my way to you.  But you simply say, they fight me because I fight them. That moment spun my whole being around.  With an immediate trust overwhelming me, I look down at my arms, I drop the half broken shield and my tattered sword. The growls of my eternal demons, echoed away and stopped.  I look back up to you and your hand is still stretched out, and you say again, "come, I see you, I take you as you are."  My feet moved towards you before I even realized.  I wondered how you were in this same place as I am, then I realized, you were fighting your own demons too and you found out how to make them stop.

You showed me I don't need to fight my demons, and I don't need to let them win them either.  My depth was etched by them, my passion was burned in by them, my intensity was clawed in with every strike.  The beauty of who I am was from them. The same thing happened to you and you found me, because I was the only person who could ever see you too.  The beauty in us is recognized by the other on a frequency irrepeatable, signatured only for us.  You woke up before I did and you came and saved me, because I am for you and you are for me.  We needed to be broken, burnt and built this way.  This was part of how we were going to recognize each other, the only way.  This valley is now our home, our demons, play as pets. 

Eternal Battle

 She is fire, he is water.

She burns, he drowns.

She roars, he waves.

Powers unmatched.

They both are gateways to something different.

Fully consumed in their elements, they get each other's depth and power.

... Infinite.

Their meeting was therefore inevitable.

Drawn to each other by a course of immense destruction and unrivalled beauty, 

The most powerful fire element, now meets the most powerful water element.

A battle for the ages.

The only witnesses, their hands, their lips, their skin

No one else will understand.

She boiled his oceans but only so much 

He doused her flames, but only a little

The went back and forth for centuries, neither seeming to win.

His depth was infinite, her flames  had no end.

What they could and did do, was dance, kiss, hold hands, lay on each other.

In each other, they found their match.

In each other they found something no else could ever understand.

This knowledge made them rage on even more,

Showing everyone else not to dare.

Only her flames took him out of his solitude

Only his seas could pull her in from her pain

In each other, they found each other.

This fusion of fire and water was an eternal reaction.

In that center where they touched, a violent reaction of erupting water and steam, which only they could contain, or so it looked from the outside.

But even in them, their bodies erupted, reacting to each other.

Their kiss was never enough.

Their interlocked fingers held each other's world

Their skin on each other's bewildered them to its familiarity,

despite their origins... despite it all.

They will forever engulf each other.

They will forever see forever in each other's eyes.

No matter what the world says.

This Is Not Love

 Comets bursting through our chests racing towards each other

This is not love

Our kiss is centuries old and touches the deepest ocean floor

This is not love

Only fools understand it, only the crazy see it

This is not love

I forgot how lived before I met you, and I can't go back.

This is not love

The home we never had, but knew we had to find.

This is not love

This world says no, your life says no.

This is not love

A craven crave, never quenched, no mater how hard I kiss you

This is not love

Always wanting you near, never wanting you to leave.

This is not love

How can my body feel like half a body ever since we touched

This is not love

Our start was a return, our return was just half the story

This is not love

Love starts, grows and at some point ends

This is not love

This is Comet fire, this is Comet Speed, this is Comet force

This is not love

If this is love, I loved you the day our eyes met and everyday since has been something bigger

This is not love

It has taken me and it has opened you.

This is not love

Only the cosmos and our kiss know what this is

This is not love

The Light Against Her Hair

Your love is fire, it burns me, but not my skin.

Your love is the ocean, it drowns me, but not my lungs.

Your love is a lifetime, I die and come back for more.

It happens... over and over and over again.

I'm chained to by the waist, my loins yearn for your body.

I'm chained by the hands, they want to hold your face.

I'm chained by the feet, I can't walk away.

The chains swing me into flames, 

They lower me into deep water, over and over.

The flames ignite me the way your skin does.

The oceans captivates me the way your kiss does.

I die and come back, starting and wanting it all over again. 

Lifetime after lifetime... in a day, a moment, a second.

Time does not know how to save me, she just watches.

Why did you do this to me, I can't love anyone else,

I won't love anyone else. 

You can't let me go and I can't tear away.

But the chains matter not because we're driven to each other.

We climb for each other, with bare hands and no rope, in the dark.

Our thoughts dance together in a hypnotic chant.

I sleep not, you live in my dreams calling me, telling me to touch you.

I'm blinded by your beauty, I cannot see anything more, than you.

I can't rip you out of me

At the same time I want you buried inside me.

Your skin is my home.

My chest is your refuge.

Our kiss tears centuries apart.

This is when I realize, the fire fuses us together.

The ocean is our air to breathe, a space meant for no one else.

Coming back from death is our defiance, not torture.

You are not my prison, this is what finally feels like.

How We Make The World Disappear

8:30 on a Monday night, we finally make it to Throggs Neck Bridge, and start to cross over.  I rented an upscaled SUV and we're just floating for the last 2 hours. Coming back to Long Island after a 3 day weekend away upstate. It reminded me of a plane almost done with its dissent, and you can start to see familiar lights down on the ground.  You're sunk down in the passenger seat with one knee up on the door and your left hand reached over clasped in mine. A/C and music on, with a light rain beating on the windscreen and dancing with the wipers. You're staring out the window and I'm glancing at you once in a while. You feel me looking, you know I'm looking, and I see your cheek raise up from smiling. We squeeze our clasped hands once in a while.  Our thumbs stroking the sides of each other's hands, because feeling each other's skin is life to us. We're never not touching. The familiar undulations of the sectioned bridge road adding movement to our bodies, singling our approach home.  But the world is still not yet invited in.  Our one chore will be grabbing our leather weekend bags from the back seat once we pull into the garage, which will remain unpacked for about 2 days, lol. We know we're coming home only to curl up in our bed, 2 hours in separate chairs is torture for us.  You'll be on my chest talking about what we liked on the trip, we'll giggle and kiss till we fall asleep fully embraced.

From Before

 She wore black, she didn't want anyone to see her.

Unseen, unheard, she didn't want anyone to be her.

Little did we know, she wore my skin.

Little did she know, she would be up, wondering where I've been.

The day she walked behind me trying to hide, 

She didn't know, she would be invited inside.

A flight took off, with her in it

She didn't know, she had a ticket.

All this time, all these years,

A seat with her name in my heart, 

to remove all her fears.

She loves to the bone,

A life unrequited, she now has a home.

Our skins touching, was more of a return.

Our kiss ignited, and will forever burn.

We were separated lifetimes ago,

But now we're here, and now we know.

It never worked with anyone, and this is why,

We were from before, and now it's time.

The world may never understand,

But it doesn't matter as long as you hold my hand.

No more cold nights, no more broken hearts,

We have reformed, and will never part.

Time failed, we won.

Crawl inside me and make us one.

It was never what I needed, it was what I missed,

And you returned to me the day we kissed.

The world can burn now.

Everyone can turn now.

We have each other and that's all that matters now.

Lay on me, curl in me,

We are home, now we're free.

Wildfire

 I watched my world went up in flames, like a cane field in a high wind.  It rushed from one end to the next like a fast opening zipper, unleashing flames and heat.  But why did I close my eyes and lean my head back as the heat warmed my cheeks.  The wind from the flames, blew my shirt open and bared my chest. I was in rapture. Euphoric, as my hair caught fire and my cheeks started to melt and pieces started to drip on my chest. Your face was the last thing my human eyes saw as they popped and melted.  You were the last thing I knelt before as I fell to my knees.  You stood there, in all your glory, as my world torched and my body set ablaze. It was supposed to hurt but it didn't.  My memories of kissing you blocked it all out.  My braise sizzled but there was only one thing I could think about.  How did you do this to me.  You took everything about me and burned my whole world down.  You took everything, and I gave it.

As my flesh melted on the ground, my spirit stood up and as the flames surrounded my feet, I looked at you again and saw that you. too were made of stars, this whole time.  You were always in spirit form, but my human eyes couldn't see.  My human life was not the home for us.  It all needed to go, it all needed to be burnt to the ground.  It was my right of passage...to love you....to love you in your truest form.  I have to raise free my spirit and forget everything I learned.  In the middle of this wildfire, we stood.  Bodies made out of stars.  You started to smile at me and reached for my hand.  We touched but with your hand over mind, you couldn't tell them apart.  We were the same, we were made from the same cosmic space, you found me and I recognized you.  Familiar, and home at the same time.  I home I didn't know I missed, but a return at the same time.  This world is not our space anymore.  We live in each other. This is home now. 

Nothing matters anymore, just you, just me.  Our space, our time...us is ours.

The Devil's Hound Fell In Love

The sound of a heavy hand pats the side of his four-legged beast while it sleeps by his throne.  The red and black fur almost steel like raises up and down as it breathes.  Tired from another hunt....stealing hearts.  Its belly full with flesh and tears. His master only lets him sleep a little and shakes him back to life and says, "More".  The hound knew what that meant.  He has heard this word thousands of times before and expecting nothing less.  He is bound to fulfill his master's wish. The hound stands up, glares at his master and gets one last pat on the head before turning and running off with mission purposed gallops. 

"Who shall I hunt today?"

Browsing, sniffing, and licking his lips. Wait! Pause.  A scent he's never picked up before catches his attention. His ears stand up, his heartbeat picks up as he turns his head to find who this is.  A smell so captivating, a smell so pure, so new, unique in every sense of the word.

When his eyes sees who it is, his body freezes and melts altogether.  She was already looking at him.  This mighty hunter was spotted, compromised, taken.  Her face was not one of fright by his look, only a smile.  Before he knew it, she walked over and put her hand on his head. She was not afraid. What is this feeling taking over this dedicated soldier, he should have ripped her to pieces by now, yet he finds himself taken over by feelings he has only witnessed from his victims.  Is it possible he was capable of these very same feelings he hunted all this time.  Waves of this feeling crashed in, under her hand, her blue eyes, her warm hands.  Peace reverberated and pulled him down like an army taking down a wall, then, something he only did for his master he now did for her....he kneeled. She stroked his face.

"There now, you must be tired" she said.  "come with me, let's get you something to eat".  No leash, no collar, she just turned and walked.  His eyes widened.  He didn't realize he could follow her without being yanked around or commanded.  He was finally given... choice.  Choice to  be who he wanted to be, not who he was told to be. One step turned into 2, 2 into 4 and his feet followed hers. Intoxicated by her smell, his fur started to turn blue and purple instead of red and black.  He looked at his paw and saw this happening with awe.  He felt the skin of who he was forced to be start to lift.  His fur softened, brand new like a rebirth, an uncovering.  

Who is this woman? Why wasn't she afraid of what she saw? What made her know the real me was in there? What made her see right through this armor I've been wearing for 25 years.  As bewildered as he was, he still followed her.  She took him to her place of peace and fed him.  For the first time he ate food made of love, not fear and tears and he ate it all up like he's never had a real meal in his entire life.  She pat his back as he ate.  When he was done, he looked up at her and no longer was it fear and bewilderment but love, matching hers.  She did utter one command though.

"Now...Stay".

The Circle

 Some only know to exist under a difficult life because it allows them to make excuses for not being able to make the right decisions to pursue their dreams because the path to making their dream a reality won't be understood by the people around them they're currently getting validation from. They're so tied to the permission of their circle they become afraid to walk alone and put value to the ridicule of their peers. The dream now becomes so scary They hide under the blanket of a difficult life which fuels attention and "feel good" pity. The fear is fake, the attention is superficial. Their circle chains them to mediocrity because they are afraid to see someone from their equivalent circumstance actually make a dream come true, simply because it reveals their own fears and excuses stopping them from pursuing their own goals so they stop anyone who wants to grow. They don't want to see it done so they hold you down. Its not viciously done in most cases. It's done with polite phrases and soothing words, and offers to divert attention. It's a subconscious act, hence why the break away seems so daunting. Your faced with an imposed perception of leaving the warmth, acceptance anf support, for a journey of hardship, failure, loss and most importantly, isolation. You've been successfully tricked your goal isn't worth it and most importantly that their validation and acceptance of you is far more valuable than bringing your dream to life and completing yourself as a self actualized human being.  

But the journey isn't lonely, as you'll be so focused on the win that your vision will keep you warm and sooth you when your days of high effort leave you winded. Your zeal and ambition will be all the company you need. You will validate yourself every day you lay one brick, then another and another towards the dream. Each brick is a piece of that dream becoming real, and one day enough bricks will be laid and your dream will exist for real. Mediocrity is a layer of dust over your eyes. The circle's ritual is to keep pouring this dust in each other's eyes, and say "there now, dream not, for we understand it is hard. Trust in our companionship in this hard world. Stay with us so we can sooth each other about our hardship. Don't go out there alone and leave us, for we love you and care about you. Let's not incur the pain of failure, let's not be alone and cold."

This warmth, attention, acceptance, and validation is attractive but it's only purpose it to sooth them. If you lay in bed at night wanting a dream, wanting better for yourself then you are not cut from the same cloth, you do not have the same blueprint. You're the eagle who's been raised as a chicken. I dare you to take one step, lay one brick and see what starts to light up in you. Feel what starts to grow from deep within. It's a calling to the destination of who you are meant to be and once you start, it will not stop. This is why some remain in agony for years if not their entire lives because they fight this inner voice telling them they can be better. This turmoil is used against them by their circle to prove why it's better to stay with them. There is no turmoil, it's simply the clashing of an oriented behavior against the path you need to take. It's a big black wall but it's as thin as burnt ash. Poke one finger through, challenge their doubt, lay that one brick and you'll see the reveal. 

When they see that you see this, they will start to lash you like you've broken a covenant. They will say things to make you feel bad and threaten to take away the warmth, acceptance, and validation. But that is all they can do. Wash the dust out your eyes, see that the path to your dream is only asking for hard work, dedication and commitment. The journey is not one of isolation and rejection, it's only what they try to make you feel. Lay that next brick and hear the volume of the calling increases. Each brick it gets louder. The days of high effort, feel more satisfying than depleting. The closer you get the warmer you feel. True validation will start to flow from inside you as you see your dream start to take shape. True validation from your own hands, your own work will replace the false and empty words you've been believing all these years. Listen to the ache in your lower spine telling you this is not where you need to be. Listen to it... quiet your mind and listen. Feel how the lines of their blueprint doesn't match yours, feel how your wings and claws spread wider, bigger and sharper than all of theirs. Your difference is not an abomination, your difference is your proof you exist somewhere else and you need to find where you truly belong. Let the calling direct what you do with your hands, let it reshape your thoughts, let it move your feet to a new direction and rhythm. Let it control you, not them. Dreams are meant to be built.

A Love Story? (open piece)

Preface 

I warn you, if you've never cried for a villain, close this page book now and put it back on the shelf. There is no riding off into the sunset.  Your sighs will quickly turn to anger. The monster is a ghost changing faces and possessing even the damsel in distress. The heart broken will lose their right to pity, and sorrow is only an ingredient in the pie of confusion you'll be licking your fingers to.  

I was taught poison as love and given a broken lens to see the world. I thought its cracks were art. She possessed me with the only way I could ever love others.  As I loved, I infected.  I drained their hearts like a vampire, but the poison wasn't about being fed. It was like a drug, the more I had, the more I wanted.  My cursed insatiability was hidden under the pursuit of true love.  As I searched, I killed, as I killed, I wanted more, and the more I felt I would never find her, again, driving my search even more, doubling, even tripling my efforts. I made Bram Stoker's stomach turn and I made the devil raise his eye  brow.

But how did I get here? Bloodied hands, my lips red and tender from kissing death into my victims and ripping their hearts our as they dreamt of me. How did false love turn me into the reincarnation of Vlad the Impaler. Yet,  now, how do I sit here, not realizing my cape of darkness had the weight of a mountain all this time? Each day as I awaken to the trail of blood and darkness in my wake, the cape gets heavier and heavier, revealing it's true nature.  I wore this cape and every time I cut someone, the cape cut me and fused into my skin.  Eventually, cuts, thousands, and the cape replaced my skin.  I became pain and pain became me.  How do I rip it off.  Can you peel your skin off?  Can you dig your fingers in and use all your strength to peel it back?  Can you ignore your pain receptors while you rip your own flesh.  In my case the pain is memories, the pain is their broken hearts screaming in my head, maddening me to eternity.  It seems pain of death is my revival.  But do I deserve it? How do I get it?  What really is the penance of someone who became friends with darkness and a bloodhound lap dog of evil. Maybe we can understand this story, and maybe it will be a story of love.  Maybe there will be a sunset to ride off into.  Maybe the good guy can still win...maybe.

Quebec

(tba)

Tin Soldier

 I found out today that I'm not a narcissist.  They called me that and I thought it was something unique and rare.  Something to be stared, examined, and discarded. Neither was I a monster, not mystical being driven by some cosmic force unleashing destructive purpose as Karma's Rottweiler, sitting at her feet waiting for her next command, to attack. But instead, I found out I was simply broken, re-wired for pain. Wired like the rest of us.  Wired by our first experience with love.  Saddening and pitiful.

I marched right up to her with my shiny, young eager self. My gears turning in a musical hum, ready to love, smiling ear to ear.  She looked at my ignorant heart ready to love infinitely like a child, and she poured her glob of darkness all over it, and rusted it shut. She fused my mouth shut so I couldn't tell anyone what was wrong with me. All I became was attracted to hollowness and gears that couldn't work to save me.  Stuck. I couldn't move my feet to walk away.  I couldn't open my mouth to say help me.  

I was nothing special anymore, just another hurt person hurting people. A self encased prison, bewitched to never give the love I want to give, or ask for what I need.  Forced to chase empty victories and reset, only to chase the exact same emptiness again and again.  I challenged Sisyphus, and even earned his awe.

How do I get this rust off? Will I ever be shiny and new? Will I ever see the love I want and go after it? For now I remain cursed and rusted.  But at least I'm aware now.  A slow awakening it seems.  No plan yet but I will see what happens.  Maybe my friendship with Sisyphus won't last and he will forget me. Maybe I get to touch my dream one day.  Maybe one day, I'll forgive myself.

Night

 When pain comes for you, it makes your heart beg for healing. You want to go back to the routine of being together so you can forget it ever happened. Your feet want you go over there so bad that your cheeks can feel the very wind grazing your face as you drove over there with windows down.  

He felt his own torture. Any shifting or movement in his apartment, he would look to his door replaying scenes of her coming over after work and letting herself in. They would smile at each other. That smile that said forever. 

But pain is there supper now, they're breakfast, their lunch and bedtime story. To sooth himself he would unlock his door at bedtime  and dream she would come over in the middle of the night.

Her bed  never felt the same,  she didn't want to be in it. Her body wanted wind and swiftness, and to feel the door handle turning to go in and be by his side.

The torture would be too much one night. She flung herself in her car and sped like a messenger trying to stop a war with letter just written. This night he also left the door open. Her eyes widened as she turned it and it bent to her will. The darkness of the 1am night. The silence as he dreamed of her coming in, not knowing she was actually there standing in his living room. He dreamt, she sat for a while. She walked slowly to his room hearing his sleep sounds get louder as she got closer. His door was slightly ajar and she pushed it, exposing her lover, her home.  

At first he thought it was a dream, feeling his bed welcome a body crawling in it and arms quickly folding him in. His eyes opened and he went through startling fear to realizing it was her in one second. They look at each other, pain still cloaking their hearts, but knowing they can't fix it tonight. They embrace and sleep. No words now, none would work. None would be enough, even when she leaves in the morning, just a stare between them knowing one word; forever.

He never closed his door again. Sometimes she came over, sometimes not. He waited and sometimes she did not. A silent quiet love now, a shadow of its former self existing in a way only they would ever understand. 

Twin Flames

 The skin of who we are stopped the spirit of who we didn't know we were inside.  We saw only flesh, ignorant of our waiting souls. We feasted but never greeted.  We met in this life wearing human stories, cloaks of a temporary design.  Some kind of toll to pay to cross this physical plain.  Our souls waited with bated breath to peel them off... and see our hidden twin flames. 

The skins were stitched too deep. We failed. Our soul's heads hang low while our earthly heads hung high, high with earthly pride, defending something only meant for a blip in time, while eternity gets cast away.  I hope at night we dream together. I hope in moments of silence when a gust of air brushes our cheek, it makes us wonder what we missed. I hope we suffer a lingering vague curiosity, the only sign remaining that we're doing it wrong.

So let us dream together for the sake of our souls. May we hold hands and dance in a cosmic space only meant for us.  For this world is not for us, this time is not for us, this life is not for us. I pray for flesh to be peeled and our souls see it was us all along.  I pray every time I bleed, it's my soul fighting its way out to scream at me to go get you. I pray I never forget you even though it will be in pain and not peace. 

Maybe one day, when we can't stand life anymore we'll find each other, speak not in flesh, but speak with our eyes, and die together.  We'll lay together with an elixir flowing through our bodies, waiting with bated breath to be freed from this prison.  We'll unite in death since we failed in life.  Maybe... one day. Maybe one day, I'll hit send and at the same time get a text, seeing we both messaged each other at the same time.

"where are you, I cant do this anymore", mine read.

"it's too much pain, where are you", hers said.

"tomorrow by the docks".

"ok" is all I replied, knowing what I need to do.  Excited and sad, I spent the evening writing letters. 

We never agreed on a time but I knew she was there waiting. I pulled in and parked next to her.  She came out and embraced each other then got back in her car.  No more words anymore, English failed us. Bottles with blue liquids waited for us and we drank them. We lean our seats back holding hands.  We watch the ocean dance then turn and gaze at each other... until we fade off. 

We're free now.

Better Lover

 

She was drowning, so I drank the sea.

 

She needed support, so I turned my feet into stone.

 

She didn't want to be a choice, so I carved her face into my heart.

 

She was never taught to be brave, so I stole Superman's cape.

 

Her world was a dark place, so I lassoed the Sun and commanded it.

 

But when I gave her a voice, she called it controlling.

 

When I stood up for her future, she called it crazy.

 

When I came to protect her, she called me evil.

I am one, she had an army.

 .

.

. 

Alcohol was the better lover.

Marsha's 100 Hearts

A bloody bag of 100 hearts, dragged to a mountain's peak and set down.   

Here they are Marsha, 100 hearts. Listen to them scream, listen to them whale.  See how they bleed.  For years you silenced me from loving you and I didn't know how to express the pain you caused me. You ripped my heart so deep I couldn't find human words to scream in my head.  My heart was so shredded I didn't know how to comfort it, how to heal it. So I went and broke a hundred hearts so I could feel their pain, pain I couldn't express to you, pain I was never allowed to utter to you, gagged and refused...rejected.  I listened to their words so I could learn how to speak them to myself.  I needed their pain to lean on because I go through this life alone, carrying the remnants of this explosion, this disaster you left.  I let you move on without me and spared you the screams, I spared you having to hear how you hurt me, how you broke me.  You left me so confused, how could you love me the way you did and walk away. You said words to me I never heard from anyone else on this planet. How could you? How dare you! You left me with nothing to give anyone else after I poured all my love into you, you just kicked over my bucket and walked away.  The hollow space did not echo back to me because it was too deep to reach my ear.  I had to break these 100 hearts to fill this hollow space so I could finally use their voice against you. Their screams are my screams. Their torment became mine.  I gathered them all to be my symphony.  Their whales took over the darkness.  Their screams put me to sleep.  Their tears washed my body.  I now have the words I need to say to you, thanks to them. But now this bag of hearts will haunt me forever because I will not have your kiss to cool and quiet them.  Their whales are now beyond my control, their screams keep me up at night and I miss the darkness. So you win again Marsha, this bag of 100 hearts spoke for me but cannot save me, a point I did not consider, turning this decades old viscous hunt into nothing more than a fool's errand.  My legacy is now a path of broken hearts, chasing a love that will never exist. The one thing I can hope for is the gods to grant me the fortune to find that kiss in someone else.  Someone who will hear my wails and screams and hug them, see my tears and wipe them away, someone who will see the monster I've become and teach me how to heal and fill that hollow space you left. If I've scorched this earth too much to survive in it then I guess I will roam this dessert alone until my days end and consider that a blessing.

Friends: Pt1

It was a great day for the pool.  If you were inside you would hear the distant laughter from old stories being told mixed in with random splashes.  The hot summer afternoon brought these friends together.  I was happy to accept Chris's invite to come up.  I haven't seen him since he got married.  5 years.  They picked me up from the airport last night after demanding I finally take time from work and remember that I have a best friend.  I needed the break.  Liz knew all about me about me and boasted all she knew on the ride home from the airport.  I don't think I laughed that hard in a long time.  

So day one hanging at the pool was climbing down the right side of the clock and we decided to come in and figure out dinner. Chatter echoed and trailed its way through the house to the guest room where I was staying.  I hopped on the bed with my towel still wrapped around me.  Liz sat on the ottoman and Chris walked in but remained standing. The banter continued until something Liz said sent Chris in some odd direction about something he was frustrated about. The he said he's gonna grab a nap, and walked away.  In a bit of a daze I turned to Liz and saw Liz halfway through lowering her head in a sigh.

Me: What was that all about, you ok?

Liz: long pause...Chris is great...

Me: …but?

Chris:  he doesn't take things head on and stand up for himself.  I been trying to figure him out.  When he brought up inviting you here i thought it would be a chance to see what you would have to say and maybe see what I can learn from your guys interacting.

Me: Chuckles ..awe man, Chris is Chris, he's been that way since I knew him in 8th grade.  Somebody's gotta light a fire under that man's ass.

Liz: laughs...

Me: K so what do you want to know?

Liz looks up at the open door then scoots over the ottoman to the side of the bed where my head was.  She leans in but still kept her face towards the door.  She starts to speak so I had to raise myself up to get closer.  My nose pointed at her right ear peaking out from under her red shoulder length curly hair.  Then it hit me, when I inhaled. I felt like I inhaled a part of her soul cuz something connected deep down inside me.  For a moment I was swept up in how her hair smelled and how skin on her neck looked. Soon her whispers we like faded echoes as my mind took pull so hard I had to to close my eyes.

Liz: …and that's crazy right!?

Me: ..yea that is crazy ( I missed everything she said)

I had to snap out of it.  This is my best friend's wife.  I came here to see my boy and make up for lost time, not fall for his wife.  I been stuck behind a computer too long.  

We decided to go out to eat that evening for dinner.  Chris was showing me the town and took the scenic route.  He did well for himself.  Great career, moved to a nice town, nice house, a wife who loves him.  I was happy for him.  I was similar in my career path but I'm too much of a workaholic to slow down.  But no matter how fast he drove the wind from outside couldn't' push out the scent of her hair in my nose.  I started to feel guilty for thinking about his wife that way. When we parked I decided I'm gonna enjoy this dinner and enjoy this visit and celebrate my best friend's success.  

I went in feeling renewed. We got seated in a nice Spanish restaurant.  Music going, light and décor to taste.  While I'm looking up, I hear a fork drop on a plate, I dart my mead to see Chris standing up saying he's going to the bathroom and I look across to catch Liz again lowering her head with a sad face being covered by her red curly hair.  She raised her head after a moment with a deliberate shake and you see the curls quickly bounce.

Liz: So, this is nice right.  I love coming here.

She's totally acting like nothing happened.

Me: Are you guys ok?

Liz, stares at me in silence, then you see a deliberate breath on her chest.  Then she says...

(To be continued)

Rocket Love

Loving incomprehensibly is a life of hell but who's journey has a destination where a depth of love exists which no human language has ever been able to describe. 

But I've seen it, I've felt it, I feel it, all the time, by myself.  She told me, she touched me, then took it away. This glimpse, something I've never been able to unsee or unfeel. I now crave and search for it, like a mad dog hooked on a scent. This rocket I made my home...and prison. I'm chained to this chair, keys dashed.  The gas pedal welded to the floor, my heart nailed on top of it, beating to the revolutions of its monstrous engine. 

This solo blast of a lifetime, has taken me to depths of connections between souls I will carry forever. But this rocket heeds not, no matter how much I scream, or cry to stop, or cry...for her, or her, or her. I go too far, too deep, too fast and I'm immediately misunderstood, and my rockets speeds on, fueled by rejection. Impervious to pause, impervious to sloth, impervious to rest.  

I can't tell anymore if this is a curse or purpose to show the world something even I haven't seen yet.  I sound like a mad man, but what does sanity look like when everyone judges me anyway.  So let this rocket speed on. Maybe one day I'll crash into a sun so big I can't go around and not make it to the other side as I try to speed through it. Maybe then, yes maybe then I can sleep and burn in it's love forever...finally.

No Headlights

 I burnt my candle at both ends using a blow torch.  

The light excited me, I grinned as it blazed.

The melting wax landed on my shoes, I danced, happy heels caring not what tomorrow brings.

The stem of wax got shorter and shorter, 

I kept thinking something else was going to happen in the end.

'I must be right...I need it to be right....right?'

The burning wick smoked away into the darkness.

I didn't see how the white candle melted clear and looked like tear drops as they fell.

Hitting my shoe and turning cold white again as I danced, no wick to bring it back to life again.

My fevered anticipation quickly dissipates when the last of the wax melts and the 2 lit ends meet and die.

Nothing...nothing more now.  

I hang my head, confused, almost upset just out of disappointment.

One heavy sigh...another.

I guess they were right.

A Carthusian Death

 I took scissors and cut my tongue out because I want you to be the last person I say "I love you" to.

I took the knife and stabbed my eyes, so your soul is the last soul I stared into.

I sharpened a pencil and stabbed my eardrums because I only wanted to remember your voice.

Mute, blind and deaf, waiting for a love I had once and will never again, but yet, I wait.

I turn my body into a prison so my dreams of you can't escape, while I wait.

I spend all day screaming your name but no one can understand the murmurs, they never did anyway.

Bloodied eyes stare at the horizon, hoping to see your silhouette break it, one day, but how will I know.

I burn to hear your voice whisper my name, but my past is my present and my future.

The only thing I can wish for is your hand on my face one day, miraculously healing me.

Restoring my eyes so I can gaze at you.

Restoring my ears to hear your voice claiming me.

Restoring my tongue so I can tell you how long I've waited....oh how long I have waited.

This dream sometimes makes me smile and laugh.

This dream sometimes seizes me in hope.

This dream sometimes chases me like a nightmare.

I rejected a world...for you.

I froze my life to give it to you, it's in my hand, take it, for it is useless to anyone else.

Crazy they call me as I reach up my hands to an empty space.  

But I see, you in my mind, reaching down, to break my vow.

Stolen...Robbed

 I spent my whole life preparing.

Preparing to be a man, a husband, a father, a provider, protector, a bringer of security and prosperity.

I take this suit of armor, dressed ceremoniously by my queen mother,  and I swear my oath to my path of life.  My father anoints my shoulders with his sword and grants it to me as mine, a splendid farewell of hope to conquer the world.

I come into this new world armed with all I was taught, armor shiny and bright, sword sharp and at the ready, Philosophy swirling in my head, covered in dreams, so fresh I could taste their birth.

Yet, I told I'm not good enough, because my love left me.

My daughters are taken away from me because I cant have success, and them too.

I'm told I cant enjoy in my worth at work, because I'm black.

And no one cares about the man in the armor, because they just want what the armor provides.

They...still don't know my name.

My philosophies are now just the ramblings of a fool. My armor, heavy and useless. My sword, given to conquer the world, now just a toy, it cuts me more than it paves a way.  Who will I protect, who will I teach, who will I raise, who will I love.  This is all I know and none of it is wanted. 

Do I walk back to the gates of my home kingdom, no horse, no parade of wealth, head hung low? No feast, no gifts, un-poured wine, just disappointed faces burnt into my soul as I go to sleep on a quiet first night back.

Wandering a world which no longer wants me. Chasing fleeting dreams.  Where do I go now, what do I do? Shed my armor, hide my sword, become...like them...hide my tears under their expectations?  Betray my soul and all I know? Hands that were willing to work, now just hanging by my side as my abandoned heart can't hold them up any more.  Stolen...robbed.

Comet

 I stood and watched you. 

An orange ball of fire trailed with flames breaking the horizon.  So high up but I could still feel the heat on my cheeks.  The rumble still reverberating through the ground, up through my feet and into my soul like a direct intended path.  For a moment you were directly over me and a tear from you dropped on my face.  I swore you penetrated my soul, but you didn't stop.  If you were screaming trying to find yourself, no one knows.  If you were in pain, no one knew.  You were on fire, chasing something or something, chasing you. I couldn't tell and you couldn't say.  Nothing looked like you in the sky that day, nothing felt like you, then or after.  

Silence now

All I see now is the tail of flames as you race to the other side and out of view.  The rumbles now a whisper and my chest now hollow...vacant. Your trail disappeared over the other horizon but you left a blaze in me, in my soul, in my mind...marked, forever. I stand in my present, alone, now a ghost as my life moves on, without you.  A coldness only your fire can warm up. Seeking, searching for a scent of your tinder.  My feet, imprisoned in a slow search to find what left me that day in someone else, since I couldn't fly to chase you. Could something so powerful be repeated?  So I went on a search.  A fool's errand.

Years pass.

A familiar rumble in the distance catches my ear.  I turn back to the horizon you first entered.  I see you. I see you lower, lower in the sky.  So low I don't have to raise my head.  Your blazing right towards me...at eye level.  My breathing speeds up, your orange ball of fire I could fit in between my fingers in the sky years ago is now a huge white circle twice my height.  Your not slowing down, you're coming right at me.  My chest recognizes your heat and immediately heats up to match yours.  I clench my fists and brace myself for impact.  Why don't I move out the way or run? Am I afraid or relieved, I cant tell.  Louder, closer, faster, the ground below my feet starts to break apart.  I close my eyes as my skin starts to burn.  Behind my clenched eyes, your light is so bright I still start to see white as you get closer.  I don't know when you hit me, I didn't feel it, as if it wasn't an external event.  I know my feet are no longer on the ground. Silence now.  I'm floating, everything white, everything, slow.  My eyes still closed but my hands are no longer in a fist.  I don't know what's happening but I'm not scared.  The heat that started to burn my skin is now just a warmth cloaking me.  If I open my eyes will I see your face in front of mine?  Will I see it's your arms carrying me and your chest against mine, warming me up?  My shell has been so empty without you. Is this you coming back to stay, with me, for good? Is this a dream? I keep my eyes closed...for now.

Still Here, But Not.

 I'm still finding your hair when I clean.  A strand here and there, not as much as in the beginning.  It's like you're still here.  I feel  it drift across my hand and land so softly.  I see how strong it is yet curved in my hand seeking shelter.  I squeeze it like I don't want to let you go, but you're gone.  I close my grip somehow wishing wherever you are, you would feel my touch on your shoulder or your face.  A wish I play over and over, each time I find your hair, here.

The rip is still exposed, so many questions, so many needs, so many wants, abandoned. Why did you have to be broken, you were perfect. Or at least perfect in my mind, a mind which wanted so desperately to wish away the damage.  I climbed high because your love is so deep, I wanted to be so high I couldn't see what I didn't want to see.  

Time heals all they say, but how can time heal something that has no end.  You're not here to touch, but I remember how you smell.  I remember the pain, but in order to remember the pain I remember the love.  While I train myself to remember why I can't, I'm bombarded with why I want to.  The opposites can't exist without each other, so either I love you and be in pain or being in pain without you while my love for you exists. Both are hell.

This fight of oil and water are stuck. I am the jar imprisoning them, shaking them, trying to stir away the pain and chasing a dream they will mix so I can feel your face in my hand again. I want something I can't make happen.  A prison in and of itself, tortured by these strands of hairs, here.  The torment of having a few good days then finding one and becoming frozen, staring at it, wishing I could pull on it and pull you from where you are to right in front of me and knowing all the while it will never happen. Whichever devil created this cell, did well.

All I can do is remain silent. Do you know what it feels like to squeeze a crying heart and tell it not to cry anymore?  The pressure against your hand, the heat, the stifled beats and whimpering vibrating up your arm forcing all the thoughts of all the good times, stinging you with heated moments of passion trying to get you let go and scream out your name and run...to her.   

I feel like our love, beyond the dark, was my whole life summed up in her first name. So I don't clean my place perfectly each time so I can keep finding your hair, here.  It makes me feel like you're still here, but not.