Riding Off Into The Sunset

I had my blade folded many times in the hottest fire.
It was sharpened and tested to be the best.
My armor was hardened,
And my noble steed was bred for this journey only.

But why did you cry,
When I plunged my sword into the dragon
Laying the final blow to end this battle.
Then you locked the door to your room in the tower.

Was I not valiant enough?
Brave enough?
I prepared my entire life for this one moment
Yet you hide in your tower still.

I slayed a Dragon ten times my size
The dragon that held you captive, for years.
Tore my flesh and bleed right now where I stand,
For you.

Holding my sword, standing beside my horse licking his wounds
I call out your name, no answer.
I call out your name again and the wooden window to your room slowly closes.
All of this was for nothing.

I won but I lost
I go home alive, but torn in two
The only thing we did that we set off to do
Was ride of into the sunset.

Jester And The Queen

Look at my smile
But don't see my anger.
Feel my body
But don't feel the pain.
Taste my lips
But don't taste the tears.
Run your hands over my curves
But don't touch my dead heart.
Steal kisses when I'm not looking
But you'll never know how my soul was taken from me.
Show up, impress, do your mating dance, tell me sweet nothings
But your calls echo in this hollow cave.
Turn a new leaf in this withered book
But don't try to read the burnt pages.

You stare at me and you smile
I didn't know death had a pretty face.
You found a home
In my dessert...in my hell.
You show me your needle and thread
To stitch my heart that's been torn to shreds....good luck.
It's not about what's been taken
It's what I've become.
Hollow...barren
 A dried up well, 
A cave not even bats would want.

Strap your love to a hundred missiles
Aim it at my wall.
Even when you break through
You'll find there was nothing here, at all.
But stay hopeful my dear
Your valor I find entertaining.
A new jester to evoke a smile
So I can remember what it feels like to be human.
That I will credit you for
And that I will give purpose.
Pay you with my smiles as there is nothing else to trade.
As you romp about in this empty warehouse.

Incomplete Together

Let's be incomplete together.

You're an alcoholic, I'm a drug addict

So I can lecture you and you can lecture me.

Let's be incomplete together.

The house is always a mess

I cook with whats clean

And you sleep till 3 in the afternoon

Let's be incomplete together.

The laundry is piled and running over

The mailbox is full and the bills are late

Smoke stains the ceiling

Let's be incomplete together

A night never passes without you kissing me goodnight

The morning finds up wrapped up in each others arms

I have never felt this safe

Let's be incomplete together.

You saved me from the hell I was in

My family hates you and your mom said you were a mistake

You lost your job and I get a few hours at the diner

Let's be incomplete together.

We have nothing and we lost our paths

Drugs and alcohol became our vices

But the nights are never cold

Let's be incomplete together.

The world has no place for us

And we live off the scraps of luck to get by

But I have never been loved like this before

Let's be incomplete together.

The Queen

I claim your heart 

I claim this land as our paradise

I claim these people as our loyal subjects

I claim a thousand years of love.

We shall feast this day

We shall all eat and drink and be merry

For her love and beauty shall be my sunshine

In her will I enjoy a new life of happiness

Where she stands, she commands my attention

Where she walks, even the wind stops and takes a bow

Her essence has seeped into my soul  

What compelling beauty that needs such reverence

A king in my own right

Handing over my own kingdom

Handing over my own crown.

Now if I could find the words to say hello.

JOURNEY

This is the path I must walk if I want to see change.
These are the decisions I must make if I want to see change.
No one can do it but me.
It is my responsibility.

I've been a slave to my old ways long enough.
I've been pleasing my mind and not respecting my body.
My body is my temple and I must clean it up.
The way is hard...BUT NOT IMPOSSIBLE

It's ok to ask myself for more.
I no longer want my comfort zone as it has been my prison.
Fear has held me back, fear has held me down like a demon clutching me to its breast.
I need to break free, I must to break free, I will break free.

I will not listen anymore when my body says it's tired.
I will not listen anymore when my tongue desires what it will.
I will not stop at 10 when I know can do 14.
Sweat shall be my reward and I will love it.

I will wake up earlier and tell the sun it's late.
I will focus, I will dream and then build that bridge from dream to reality with every drop of my sweat.
I will feed my body what it needs and not what it wants.
I will be strong and show that strength with action and not desire.

I will no longer allow my mind to create excuses.
I will not longer credit those excuses because I am no longer weak.
I will be different from what my detractors expect.
I will no longer say no to myself.

This dream is mine.
The body I want will be mine because I deserve it.
I will work for it, earn it, own it and enjoy it.
Watch me own a smile that you cannot take away,
BECAUSE I WILL SUCCEED.

Waking Up

Years ago, I ran.

Years ago, I was proud.

Years ago, I was afraid.

Years ago, was my time.

Yesterday, I was still asleep.

Yesterday, I was still silent.

Yesterday, I was still hidden.

Yesterday, I was still afraid.

Today, the silence has drained me.

Today, I have no more sleep to find.

Today, the sun has found my cave.

Today, my fears have started to melt away.

Tomorrow, I will give up all I held on to.

Tomorrow, I will do without, for the one thing I want...need.

Tomorrow, I will pay the price of getting back that from which I ran,

For it will not be given freely anymore.

Tomorrow, I will go after the one person I've truly love.

Tomorrow, I will drop my sword and shield...and fight.

I'm waking up.

Well

I fell down this well
Landed on my back, now my body is broken.
Laying still in my pain, the moss and roots welcome me.
It's so dark, I can't tell if my eyes are open or closed.
You've climbed down to rescue me but I can't smile.

Don't pull my hand, 
My wrist is broken by people I've trusted before.
Don't sooth me with your words,
My ears are bleeding from all the lies I've heard before and I can't hear you.
Don't help me stand up,
My legs are shattered from running after loves that weren't mine in the end.
Don't hold my face to stare in my eyes,
They've been scorched by beautiful devils and burned shut.
Don't ask me for my heart,
It turned into a bag of tar and gravel after all the betrayals.
Don't wipe the tears from my seared face.
They're all I have left.
Don't try to hold me, 
The waves of memory and anger hurt more than my snapped spine.

This well is quiet,
You came down to save me, 
But you've no more power than the moss and roots growing over me.
This well is dark, 
Dark enough to blot out what they did to me.
This well is cold,
Cold enough to freeze me in time and hide me from anymore hurt.

Climb out, cover the well and walk away.

10-1-2012

He Came Over

Pull my dress up a little while we dance,
Do it like you never meant to.
Pull my body in closer,
Act like you never heard me.
The music's too loud,
Bring your lips closer to my ear,
And brush your cheek against mine.


If he only knew my body was already his.
That my knees were waiting to be caught,
From the very second he raised his head from his drink at the bar
Me, the gazelle, I broke my own leg for you, my hungry lion. 
Come for me.


Looking up at his face, washes mine with fear.
Not fear of what he will do,
But fear that we won't ask me home.
This dress, these heels, I prepared for you, my king.
See how I watch you right back and giggle seductively at all you say.
Feel how my body moves at every turn your hands moves me in.


My lips burn under this lipstick.
I need yours to put out my fire.
Wash me in your ecstasy, keep me dancing.
Yes its okay to slide your hands down over my curves.
I don't care who sees, 
Go ahead and squeeze.


Yes my number needs to be yours,
But I let you chase me and ask me.
Your desire for me, fuels mine for you.
I am captured, I am yours, finish me off.


Drag me to your lair 
As a Panther would its kill up a tree.
Let your waiting hunger that I saw at the bar take over.
Let your hands rip this tight dress and free my passion.
Sink your teeth in and shred me from this world.


Make me forget and fill me with you, all of you.
More than a sub, more than a slave, you own me tonight.
Let your greed splash my passion over your lips. 
Be my vampire devouring his centuries old desire.
Feel my body give over to you, again and again,
Like waves upon waves of an army of tsunamis attacking in battle formation.


Own me with your hands, your lips your face, your body.
Own me with your hunger then own me with your satisfaction.
The hungry lion is filled, the black panther, no longer restless.
The vampire, gone to sleep, the seas, calm again.
Tonight was yours my king, pull me in and let me sleep on your throne with you.


Happy hearts wake to a sunrise, greeting satisfied souls.
My yearning soul finds peace, for now.
His raw passion, quelled, for now.
Safe, fulfilled, happy.
I'm glad, he came over.

HURRICANE Pt 2

The wind blew, I felt the rain hit my face sideways

As it stung my cheeks, I felt it's force.

 I raised my head to see the rain falling was actually blood.

My blood.

The wind howled as it blew my love passed me

I could feel its hollowness drag on me while it passed.

Like a black sail from a ghost ship now slave to the wind

Trying to drag me, catching me in its belly.

As my knees get pulled into the mud of my sorrow

A rumble takes presence and my heart flies by me.

Seemed more like it was running so fast it learned to fly.

It disappeared in the red and it got quiet again, just the rain.

Now looking at the muddy wet red earth

listening to my blood raining down like a forest storm.

No love in me anymore, it was dragged away

No heart anymore, it flew away.

Nothing left but this carcass of skin, bones, clothes and memories.

A rumble starts, not from above or behind me.

Not from my left or my right.

This time, the earth.

My soul trapped in this body now to be taken.

The immense pull downwards almost felt like an emptying.

The relief  of this life to end, felt like a glorious sunrise over the nights torment.

My tensed body kneeling, now relaxed as I sink.

No Soul, no heart, no love

My body swallowed whole into this red muddy earth

Empty and complete

My hurricane is over.

HURRICANE

The girl in the window, face hanging down.

The girl in the window, sitting still.

Her red hair covering the pain in her eyes

Even though her body is posed and telling its own tale.

Her silence, silences me.

But I can see the glass vibrating and swelling from her quiet screams.

Fixated as she is on her trance of despair

I start to feel her crawl in my head through my eyes, ripping my eyelids apart.

My minds eye pauses as I now see the glass swell to its limit, 

pushing against its edges, her motionless body now grabbing at my breath.

She whips her hair around and exposes her porcelain face

And that was all it took to cause the explosion.

Shards of glass all blew towards me,

On the winds of her screams, drenched in the rain of her tears,

That only I could see, that I could only hear, that only I could feel,

Tearing through my body as the winds carried them.

She still sat there as I was ripped to pieces. 

Now drenched and bleeding on my knees, still staring at her.

But no one would know, no one would see, no one would hear.
She was my hurricane.

Drool On My Chest

We laid together under the covers
But I was on the wrong side of your skin


The air conditioner was on
But your sleeping breath was all I wanted to hear.


A little light tried to peak in through the curtains
But your face was all I wanted to see.


The love we just made 
Only matched by the ocean's swell in all its glory


Now the silence we crashed into
Was a trance meant for two.


Your hair, tangled and dark, splashed across your face
Seemed alive, moving up and down as I breathed 


The rest your body, still and draped...over mine
A visual masterpiece, for my mind's gallery and afternoon reminiscing.


The peace we found proven by your deep sleep
Rivals all my investments
As I lay here and watch you, drool on my chest.

Ricochet

Your face wasn't meant for my eyes
You looked at me anyway


Your smile wasn't meant for my soul,
you captured it anyway.


The power in your eyes wasn't meant for my heart,
you stole it anyway.


Your steps into my world wasn't on my life's map
but you walked into my life anyway.


Meeting you was never something I would imagine,
it happened anyway.


This new gift of life feels too big to be mine,
but you gave it to me anyway.


You, the robin hood of love and me rich in pride,
you gave your satchel to me anyway.


I know I may not deserve all you are or all you do
but I'm gonna love you back, hard, everyday...anyway.

The Getaway

Running from the house in the cover of darkness with the jewels tightly clenched, that smile is mine
Opening that safe and watching the prize reflect in your eyes and no one's around, that smile is mine.
Staying two steps ahead of my captors and watching them dance to my tune, that smile is mine.
Finding out that plot against me before my enemies put it in action to register my demise, that smile is mine.


Coming up to your room and watching your body lay there unaware of my hands' plans, that smile is mine.
Knowing that you stand inches away behind that door while I hear the lock tell me hello, that smile is mine.
Hearing my name echo from your soul and not just your lips as we make love, yes, that smile is mine.
Watching you sleep in my arms and hearing your breath laced with happiness, that smile is mine.


When my days and world seem to choke my innocence and your company renews me, that smile is mine.
My one member fan club, cheerleader, sitting alone in the the bleachers shouting my name, that smile is mine.
Being handed your "you", like the secret of life that everyone needs to know but doesn't, that smile is mine.
Walking taller than everyone, floating on your never ending support and adoration, that smile is mine.


With my sword and shield, my armor and valor, standing guard, day and night, this love, is yours.

6-2-2012

The Single Woman

You got your heart broken, a few times...Ok a few times too many.  You lost a few friends over some stupid shit...Ok some really stupid shit.  Maybe stabbed in the back once or twice...Ok a number of times by everyone but the damn Leprochan.  
So now, one or two kids later (or none), you've grown into yourself, strong, independent, decisive.  But there's something missing now.  That innocence, that you can never regrow.  That innocence that every single guy that likes you will have to pay for every time they look in your direction. The stone castle that you stand on so proudly with a "vacancy" sign for a "king" is just decoration.  That's just a cover to seem normal.  Normal so that no one knows how bitter, torn and selfish you've become.  Hunting for the next prince charming to exact your forever revenge for the first guy that you had actually given your heart to and lost.  Then you act all broken hearted and get your girlfriends to come over and vigil for you with shots before you hit the club and start the shit all over again (tears my ass).  
So you have all your material possessions and standards higher than the Empire State Building and longer than the China Wall (second chance...bullshit). Then you hide behind this "I am woman, hear me roar, Beyonce" dance thinking that you are in solidarity with the likes of Nanny of the Maroons or Rosa Parks(spare me). It's not hard being a woman, just hard knowing that you have to open your heart again if you ever truely want to be happy.  So hide behind your makeup, convertible and red bottom heels.  Brainwash yourself into thinking every man is stupid and will never be good enough because you need them to be dumb so they cannot hurt you (bitch please).
My dear single woman, proud, strong, independent....Fuck You!

Murder Weapon

Coagulated blood on the floor, pooled but a little scattered on the ends.  If you lean in close you can see a few bits of flesh, light reds and dark pinks, all glazed over.  My heart in pieces as I look down to the torn hole in my chest, sitting on the chair just as you left. The gore of the rip, so fast, so brutal, wondering while I still breathed. A glimmer caught my eye a bit ahead of the blood, smeared and still wet, the knife you used.  Leaning back in the chair, the pain actually starts, but it's no physical pain, even though it came from my chest. But that's because there is no blood on the ground, nor was my heart actually ripped out by a knife.  The knife was you leaving, the pieces of flesh were my heart breaking and the blood was my love spilling on the floor.  The pain was memories and dreams pulling away from the walls on my mind, my life and leaving an emptiness I haven't felt in years.  
Even though I've felt this before, it still felt new and different.  The past started immediately as the door shut behind you and the future started.  It was empty, cold and dark. Right there in the chair, even as your footsteps echoed down the hall it was as if they carried "us"with them.  The walls faded to one solid white. The clock, the pictures, furniture, all slowly evaporated.  My eyes were still open, but I just saw nothing. All I could feel was the chair I sat in, almost as if it was the holding me up emotionally as well.  Then it all went quiet, no more pain, no more memories floating away, no more footsteps, just a vacuumed silence.  It could only mean, the journey of solitude now begins.

Mortar and Love

The pieces of my heart lay in a pile. 

I used everything else to build my life.

Steel and iron grunting away at the gym

filled my nights.

The growl and speed of my engine 

tore through my nightmares and kept me safe.

The brick and wood of my basement apartment 

was my dungeon that kept me hid.

Giggling flesh of women getting dressed to leave 

were my daily entertainment like a court jester to a king

My kingdom was complete.

Until you came and pointed at the pile. 

Reuse the pieces of my heart?

You're kidding right?

But you weren't and you did what no one else did.

You taught me how to use those pieces to decorate my life.

Now the nights at the gym didn't end with me going home alone.

I no longer had to roar my engine to shred my torment

As I now had your voice to calm my soul.

And my basement no longer felt like a prison

Because you were in it, waiting for me to come home.

Now my jest is spending time with you

and creating smiles that will last forever.

Much longer than the giggles of forgotten faces

and more filling than their nightly feasts.

The scrap pile of my heart in your hands, 

became the treasure and art of my life.

Building me up better and stronger

than the brick, steel and chains of my pain and vengeance.

Thank you  

Rainbows

My rainbow fell over

No longer held up with dreams and desires.

The beams, rotted away with life's nightmares

Left to dry out in the sun of my despair.

Scorching heat of reality burning the colors

No more red, no more green, no more blue, no more yellow

Just brown and black of a burnt forest 

And crinkling ash instead of a peaceful brook.

Standing over its remains

My world in this curve at my feet

Winds' loneliness whispering in my ear 

The smell of singed hope teasing my nose.

How will I walk this earth

No rainbow to walk towards

No tower to store my dreams

Just tumble weeds of reality brushing by me.

I guess in time, I will collect new dreams, new hopes.

And this journey of life will have some purpose again

The steps I will take will seem new and scary.

But time, time always has a story to tell.

CAVE

What's the point of having it,

and not using it.

What's the point of seeing it,

and not going after it.

What's the point of thinking it,

and not doing it.

What's the point of saying it,

and not meaning it.

What's the point of wishing it,

and not working towards it.

What's the point of feeling it,

and not being it.

What's the point of loving someone,

and keeping it secret.

What's the point,

of hiding the real you.

Black Sand

The pitch black darkness felt like cold tar on my skin.  Pasted over my hear, over my eyes.  I could feel it seeping into my ears and my nose. My breath has to squeeze by just to escape my lungs. But I have company.  Heavy iron shackles clamped to my wrists and ankles.  They talk to me when I move, telling me to be quiet.
Roving about my day, I interact with people, I drive my car in traffic, stand in the line at the cashier, browse the isles at the mall.  But no one knows the prison I'm in.  Touch me and you will not feel the wet black tar soiling your hands, shine a light in my eyes and you will not see the depth of nothingness staring back at you.  Call my name and you will not hear the torment of a damned soul in hell screaming back at you.Your eyes will only see the face that I am obligated to show. Your ear will only hear the response of a pleasant and meek human being.  Your handshake will only confirm the warmth of a happy, normal, person.
This prison in my mind is limited to the walls of my skull but is vast like a thousand desserts.  Each link in the shackles weigh a hundred pounds each, with the other end dropping out of view no matter how much a walk along its length. 
This black cell with no cage only seduces one thought, "Is this my doing or is this doing, for me?" Unable to answer my own riddle, I can only ponder origin instead of purpose. My mind, no rescuer.  Chains but no key.  No walls but no path. Just a compressing cold darkness and a puzzle.  

RANSOM

Plastic explosives, check

Wires and charge, check.

Detonator, check.

Just like that, you blew my mind with your beauty.

Kevlar tactical assault gear, check.

Robinson XCR assault rifle, check

Blacked out getaway car, check

Just like that, you stole my heart and whisked me away in your eyes.

Rope, check

Handcuffs, check.

Hidden underground bunker, check.

Held captive for the highest price a man could pay, mutual love that I give gladly.

Ransom note, check

Demands, check

Drop point, check.

The day I will remember for the rest of my life, the day I cleaved to you.

My honor, check.

My love, check

My happiness, check

I now put in your hands, to keep, to nurture, forever.

The Tab

A bullet costs 25 cents.

A med student pays over $50, 000 year 

at college to learn how remove it

When you shoot me.

That drink at the bar costs $7.

Lifetime care for your birth defected child 

will cost over $700,000

because you couldn't wait to drink.

The 15 minutes in the back of her car

has now cost you half your assets and future income

because you couldn't take a minute

to talk to your wife.

The friend that you typed "LOL" to

Isn't going to pay, your $1000 deductible

because you couldn't wait till you stopped driving 

to return a text.

If you said hello 2 seconds quicker

she wouldn't have bumped into that other guy

Who took the opportunity to snatch his bride

Leaving you to a lifetime of solitude,

Life has its pleasures and its pains

But you have to grab chance and be prudent

Before life hands you a bill

That may be too high, to pay.

She Will

When you cheat with a married woman

It's not about you...never was.

That smile that you gave and got returned

Was her hooks sinking in your mind.

Those texts that said but didn't say,

Was master's taunting game...you were just prey.

The psychological trickery of a broken wife.

You were only a portal and not the prize.

The power you feel you gained,

Getting this woman, this married woman, to concede to you

Was only her chains pulling you in, not the other way round.

But you were too dizzy with her tears...too busy playing hero

Trap open, bait set...silence.

Her laced body in a private hotel.

The joys of tainted love

Play their dance of the pied piper.

The love you make to her

The dick you give to her

Is not about you,

Was never about you.

She celebrates the fact that it's not him.

Simply just that fact, not you or what you think you're doing.

As the juices of her dripping vengeance

Rolls down her thighs.

Six months from now, you will still boast

But 2 days from now, you're just a fainted memory

She will not remember your face

Not even a trophy for private smile.

Getting back at him, is all that matters.

That, is her sweet sorrow, dipped in silent pride.

You were nothing, an object of an act, not a desire.

Happy again, but you, never again.

12-23-2011

A Players' Wedding Vows

Till death do us part
I will keep a spot for you 
In my heart.


To Love and honor
Acting like there is no other


Cherish and obey
No matter what the next door neighbor 
and their friends  might say


Through thick and thin
No matter where I've been


So take this hand 
Be merry as can be
But you'll never take my little black book
Away from me!

A Love, A Memory

When our worlds collided

I wasn't ready for it

When our world's collided

I wasn't looking for it.

When the fusing of our souls started

The light was too bright

When the fusing of our souls started

You were in me before I understood it.

When we formed one

I felt peace

When we formed one

I felt free

This world didn't change 

But it felt new

This world didn't change

But all our roads were fresh.

Caught up in this love

I became a new man

Caught up in this love

We forged our new castle

When my love became your guardian

You felt safe

When my love became your guardian

Your sleep was more peaceful

Even though time passed, time froze

Your eyes stayed focused on me.

Even though time passed, time froze

And our hearts grew like a forever garden.

Crazy how it seems

How it all fell into place

Crazy how it seemed

The way it fell apart.

A stolen love now a memory

Given its space and time

A stolen love now a memory

Still pierces my mind.

This library of you

Fills my mind

This library of you

Kills my mind.

A love, a memory

I roam these halls

A Love, a memory

I am its keeper.

Fuck You Cloud 9

You look so good hanging from up high
Always whispering in my ear, 'Dre, when you comin by.
Riding the tail of the winds, always passing my ear
Leaving sexy notes, asking me to come near.


I'm reality's bitch and she don't play
I'm under her grip, each and everyday.
Y'all don't get along so why you tryin' to start trouble.
Teasing me to drop the anchor and float up to your bubble.


I imagine what it would be like, chilling with you
Smelling the fresh sky air and enjoying the view.
Prancing and dancing with no care in the world
Trying out everything and giving it a whirl.


Cloud 9, you sexy crazy free thing you.
What happens to my life if I do what you do?
I got bills, debts, obligations and responsibilities
Who am I to give 'em to, when they were entrusted to me.


You don't care about tomorrow, I wish I could do that.
But reality is a bitch and she just won't have that.
The only thing I know, is when I keep her near
The thought of tomorrow doesn't come with the fear.


She got my back like DMX in a dog fight
But you only know which club to go to tonight.
You sure are juicy, refreshing and stress free
And I do wonder what it would be like, to swim in your sea.


C'mon Cloud 9 don't you get what Reality is about?
She's hard, she's mean but she takes away doubt.
With her, everything is clear
And the next step in life to take
Is never far, but pre-planned to be near.


Yeah she keeps my face nose deep in my bills
So I miss out on the action and most of the thrills.
Cloud 9, your like a tight mini skirt clinging to a 45 inch hip.
Passing me, asking me, to come take this trip.


But Cloud 9, your door is always open
And you never stop me from leaving
While Reality keeps me safe and never leaves me needy.


In the end, Reality keeps me on the grind
Reaching my goals and earning what's mine.
She may be a bitch and maybe not as fine
But she has my interests at heart
So fuck you Cloud 9.

MPG

Our busy live aren't really as busy.  We just do things that take up our time to hide from the things that we don't want to face.  Friendships have been tested and some exposed, leaving some happy and others not so happy.  This recession showed a few of us that our "friends"put the price of gas over hanging out, that distance is this big wall that requires a visa that we can never qualify for.  This imploding alienation has bred us to think that we all were enemies in the first place and again add a third reason to ruin a friendship.  Lil Wayne said "not having money is the root of all evil" and for some it has been a self fulfilling prophecy while other use it as a scapegoat to avoid taking initiative or responsibility.  This stand off of who must show effort and counting who did what and when and how much,  must end.  But how can it when everybody is watching everybody.


When I met my high school friend and realized that he lived 15 minutes by foot from me, I was there almost everyday.  Some people nowadays won't even drive 15 minutes to go say "hi" to a friend.  Even walking for 15 minutes is like asking the world of some as well, when there are health benefits to walking.  But we buy our nice cars, putting ourselves in debt, to look good but then won't even drive the same car over to their friend's house.  I'm not sure if that even qualifies as selfishness.  The ease of the smartphone and social sites wiped out all of those effortfull needs and brought back our friends to just a click away, way closer than a 15 minute walk but yet the distance exists and this time with a hollowness.  The conversation you have when you're sitting on a back fence side by side eating mangoes will never be as fulfilling as these new ways.  As a matter of fact those mango talks last longer in memory.


So people change, grow up, branch of, find new paths and careers but the word "friend" didn't change, it's meaning didn't but for some reason we expired the definition.   Worse, now that we must fend for ourselves and 'things are tight', we chose to cut the things that doesn't mean as much to us.  So when did killing an evening over your friend's house become meaningless? A gallon of gas will do on average 20 miles for under $4.00.  I guess we are to now accept that that 3 hours that you spent over your friend's house, to wind down your day or week or month...or to put your mind at ease, to hear some helpful advice, to have a giggle and a candid smile, is now not even worth $4.00? It is those moments that make people happy, that help us make better decisions, that stop people from committing suicide, that keeps marriages together, that keep us out of trouble, that keeps us centered.  But instead, we get caught up in what it takes to use one gallon of gas out of the car that we bought so that we didn't have to walk anymore.  


Being innovative enough to now only use our friends when we want something as an excuse to go hang out has been reveling to me.  You need to make commission or you need to sell something to make a profit; this is when you remember your "friend".  Now that something is in it for you to make back your all important gas money, that's when you reach out to your friend.  I used to get home from school, change, eat, throw on my sneakers then trek down to my friend's house, for nothing more than to hang with my friend.  There were no material gains, none offered and none sought.  But now it has changed to "what's in it for me".


The newest fad is thinking that the other person is thinking that they are now better than you.   A misread text or post or even a missed anything done remotely is like a charged venomous attack on your person.  Another reason not to spend $4.   Things like that wouldn't happen while sitting on a roof peeking over the neighbor's yard at the pretty girl who just moved in...never.  So we spend zero and intake everything as negative when we could have spent $4 and avoided this zombie attack that we imagined.  Laughter together is so much more refreshing that texting "LOL", but I guess since "LOL" is free then we are happy anyway because we saved $4...right?


Now for the icing on the cake.  Feeling left out when something good happens in the others life.  Now the truth is out. That person has made you their enemy because they deliberately did it.  Now you're definitely not going to be going over there anymore.  All to save four dollars.   We probably spend $4 dollars on unnecessary things and on bad food at least once a month.  That thing we bought is probably lost, broken, thrown out or gathering dust.  That bad food we bought, is now living as fat in our bodies, making us less physically appealing to our loved ones who is now resenting you; making it easier to argue and adding to your unhappy life because your stuck at home because you don't want to go anywhere...hmmm.   I love when things are circular.  


Our days of closeness with our beloved friends should not be stories of old, while we mourn them changing and becoming vengeful creatures, just so we can save $4 in "these hard times".  These hard times is exactly when we should be spending that four dollars to remain strong with those beloved friends.  We'd probably be handling these hard times alot better if we maintained those candid moments in the present rather than sing them at funerals of "friendships passed".  How bad could it be because staying at home, saving $4 and typing "LOL" hasn't done us any better.


Thanks for reading.

REFILL

Sometimes I can't tell if I'm asleep or awake.
Sometimes I can't tell If I'm in love or  in hate.
The way I feel makes me wanna tear my hear out
But even when I stay calm, I'm still filled with doubt


I see the world but I can't touch it.
I feel the world but I can't be it.
Is the world big or am I just too small
While some eat planets and others stand tall.


It's great to be great
And maybe that was their fate 
But how come that is fair and I have to wait
For my time in a time where time comes with hate


The grass I walk on is only the hair on the back of a beast
I lost my knife so I can't kill it have my feast.
Kill it and conquer, like I should with my life
But it's killing me and piling on strife.


I don't know what to do or even where to go
Some people help and other act like they don't know
Haters, blockers, helpers or challenges
Is this how I'm supposed to carve out my happiness?


Her love I found and it gave me a corner
I felt some peace and I stopped being a mourner.
But God if you chose to see me out the corner of your eye
I just have one question, cuz I gotta ask why.


It's not about you but it hasn't been about me
Cuz this life has taught me that aint shit free.
All I have is what life gave me.
And if that's life then should no one save me?


Some made it big, others made it great.
So I hope the same serving falls on my plate.
I'm angry, I'm patient, I'm diggin, I'm waitn.
For theirs, for mine, for ours just to make it.


I want the world to stop sleepin and see me
Or am I the one that needs to take the green pill.
I can't tell if the world is too small or am I too big
Maybe that's why I can't move, so I'm hopin for a refill.


Since I lost my knife, I guess I'll use my teeth
Grab it's horns and stand ground with my feet
This bull called life is what you gave me
Eat or be eaten is the motto that will save me.


So maybe the world is too big or even too small
I guess once you have friends and you find love 
then you have it all.
Well maybe no bank accounts at Fort Knox for me
But I can enjoy life's many pleasures for a while, for free.


So don't worry about answering why,
At least not for now but definitely when I die.
We can replay my life and see what I missed
And you can tell me that I really was in bliss.


Back to life I go, refilled and refreshed
My soda of hope sippin like its the best
So here I come world, I'm taking my share
And even if you never hear me, I don't really care.