Into The Cauldron

 Loser Loser, sunshine down,

Skyrocket teacher laugh at my frown.

Secret holder lantern out,

Truth be spilled from a rotten mouth.

Games we played, by games we made,

Winners win and losers die.

A lover's love is a lover's sin,

A game made where only some win.

Run where you want, run to hide

This game doesn't ask for players, 

It just buries itself, deep in your side.

Even spell casters get casted,

Taken one, taken all,

Everyone is bound to fall.

Eyes of flesh, yet eyes of forever,

Casting dreams in my mind of us together.

Lover lover lose me not,

Hearts intertwined in a cosmic knot.

Giver giver, taker taker,

We are either, we are both, we the maker.

Power given, sought and crowned,

Sink your hook in me, deep under ground.

Whether this was unplanned, casted, or divinely ordained,

In me, in me, you will forever remain.

 

19

 If there were 19 things I could say, I'd talk about the first 19 seconds when I saw you and what started to happen in my mind.  I'd remind you about the 19 seconds you walked behind me and what started to happen in your mind that told you that you need to follow me and let me lead you.  I'd talk about the 19 seconds before I kissed you the fist time and how my body swelling from being pulled by you as you spoke and how I was just taken over by the need to break every rule in the book.  I could count out 19 moments this stick out in my mind. 

The way your hand felt the first time I held it.

The first time I noticed you comfortably sitting the hidden room of my heart. You found it and walked in without knocking and I didn't even see, I just turned and you were there, like you were always there, like that seat was yours and you're back for it.

The first time you came over.

The first time I smelt your hair

The first time I walked behind your and smelled your vanilla perfume.

The moment I realized that if I didn't kiss you now I was going to burst.

The way your lips felt the first time I kissed you and how you made my head spin.

The way your skin felt the first time I drew my hand over your body.

The fist time the world froze because our kiss was so deep, it was our souls kissing.

The first time I felt we were from before and the realization you were the home I was looking for.

The first time we made love, how we were so caught up, feeding on each other in a trance.

The first time you drove your face into my neck as you curled up on me.

The times when you held my face to kiss me.

The first time we laid on the couch for over an hour just listening to music.

The first time your said something powerful about your feelings for me.

The first time I woke up to a long 3am text from you being consumed by me, by us.

The fist time we drove to the beach in my car and how we touched the whole way.

The fist time you told me you loved me.

The first time you told me you need me

Each of those moments burn like a super nova in my mind on constant replay.  I could talk about the 19 months and how flawed and imperfect it's been, but I would have to say how much of a whole different world it's been being in love with you. Nothing else feels logical, other than we were one soul split apart for centuries searching for each other and finally finding each other again.  I could talk about how one look from you still levels me to this day, whether it's in person or a picture of you.  I'm so taken by you, so drawn to you, so overpowered by you, so lost in your control, so lost in your eyes, that you live ever present in my mind, day and night. This doesn't stop, this hasn't stopped, even during the times  when we things were unclear. It was actually during those times I was introduced to how scared I felt if I lost you and that taught me how deep my feelings are for you. It's not an attachment, it's a belonging, it's finally understanding that my way of loving never worked with anyone else by seeing how it naturally flows and exist with your presence in my life. This connection that doesn't ask for permission to exist, this obsession that keeps revealing more and more depth, live rolling over endless cliffs going down an abyss. The draw that doesn't seem to slow down.  I am in it and it is in me, a cycle charged and released, to never find an end. 

She Was Never Mine

 She was never mine

She looked at me like I was the forever she forgot to choose

She was never mine

But she followed me anyway

She was never mine

Her eyes were filled with me and mine with her

She was never mine

Our kiss was like a star exploding somewhere in the Universe about to create life

She was never mine

Our skin touching, bewildered from being familiar and unfamiliar at the same time

She was never mine

Our hearts rebelled against every rule this world made to keep us apart

She was never mine

A jailed mega storm, roaming around, rivalling Jupiter's

She was never mine

A comprehension only for two, only for once, only for us

She was never mine

Forever changed, tattooed on time's skin, never to be forgotten

She was never mine

Found, stolen, given, taken, existing beyond choice

She was never mine

100 Centillion lifetimes... this one is ours

Tattoo

Etched in, burned in, cut in,

It didn't matter, voluntary or not.

Scars permanently interrupting the natural beat of my heart 

Not a second will go by I won't be reminded of you.

Every beat will tug on the cotorised tissue

And I will feel it...I will feel you.

Time stands over me with the whip of mediocrity

with every crack and lash, telling me to not love you anymore.

On hands and knees, bleeding, I say...."never".

As sweat and blood pours down my skin, I imagine it's you touching me.

This world beats real love out of us

I will not be broken...for you, will not be broken

We exist to persist our existence

We, exist to persist lifetimes, we are not them.

When I die, I will be forgotten

My memories will mean nothing to anyone else

But a map to find you, again... and again.

And will take those lashes because I will not conform.

We are from before and no one owns it, but us.

The Deal

"Hello Lucifer", as I walked up behind him sitting on the ground as he peeled the skin off a dead body. He's twice the size of us so I had to reach up just to get the lower part of his shoulder. He felt my touch and stopped moving but he did not turn around. As I pulled my hand back and saw blood on my fingers, I knew this was not going to be an easy conversation. 

"Hello Satan, you have all this pain...I hesitated ...why do you need mine? This is all I have left, it's the only thing I've ever had. I don't know how to live with out it. I need it, you have so much, can I give you something else? How about the love I have, I have so much of it and nobody ever wanted it, it's basically brand new, not a scratch, you can have that." I rambled out so quickly that I lost my breath a little.

The beast, still facing away from me, raised his head up and took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. "Why has no one ever taken your love?" His ominous curious but calm voice lit up in my ear.

"I don't know, guess I'm not good enough. I don't think I've ever been seen really, just used".

"Hmm" in the middle of his heavy breathing. "I will take your love, and leave you with your pain, but you will never get it back."

I knew this was something I could never come back to him for. They say never make a deal with the devil but I don't know this love everyone speaks of, all I know is my pain. "Deal!" I said, with fear and determination.

In less than a breath he says "Done, now go."

I blinked and I was transported back to my world. The forest, the bodies, the blood, it all just, vanished. 

A sigh of relief I guess, I gave him something I didn't want, a weight off my shoulders, hoping to be loved. I won't have to worry about being a shadow, or an object ever again. A peace, a freedom, went on for a few weeks, and the fear of what he might do faded. 

And then you walked in. 

I saw the familiar soul in your eyes, I saw my home in your face and everything in me lit up, and I immediately heard the devil laughing in my ear, then it all made sense why he took my offer. He took the love I was meant to give to you. He knew why my love in the past failed, because I didn't meet you yet. He knew the love I have is for you. That's why it never worked with anyone else. The devil won again. I can see him dancing and stepping on my heart, smashing it to pieces. This was real pain, pain I did not want. This was real, woe... this was real, hell. All the other pain I carried, faded to dust compared this.

I felt a large heavy hand rest gently on my shoulder. It was him. I turned and looked up.

"Not only will you never love again, you will never ...love ...her". In his ominous voice, deep and slow.

"You knew this didn't you" I said as I turned my head back to her standing there in suspended animation. 

"You came to me angry, you came to me impatient. All you had to do was wait. Yes, all the others were going to fail because she is yours and will always be, but you got impatient, for that, you will pay". 

"Pity me then". I said, in shame as I dropped my head.

"Pity?! Are you serious? I've watched people die waiting for the one they love. I know this love you speak of, that's why I took it. But I will keep it for you, I will watch over her for you. But I do acknowledge your bravery in coming to me, foolish as it was. 

A long pause, as I felt darkness falling like a curtain at the end of a play. 

"I'm actually curious what your bravery would look like if I gave you back your love. The bravery you took to come to me."

 I looked up at his towering blood stained body as he looked at her with a grin on his face.

"You humans are so simple and don't realize the power you have. You know what little lion, here, I will give you back your love. Give it to her. I have no shortage of fools wasting their lives, your love for her will actually help me torture the lost souls as they see how true love actually exists, and I will feed off their pain even more. I never lose. Here, go, and never come back to me."

And again, in the blinked of an eye, he vanished and I felt my body start to fill and be taken over with my love for her. It rattled my bones and shot up my spine. My mind became a brightly lit palace of our lives together and my heart filled. Everything in me was now pointed at her. The devil will use our love to torture the world. So be it. Fuck them all. The world can burn as long as she holds my hand. 

How Stupid Was I

 How Stupid Was I

I saw it

I knew it

I ran in anyway.

How Stupid Was I

Like a blood hound certain of a scent

I saw the future I dreamt of

I turned the particles of my dreams into concrete

And I walked proudly into my new world, with her.

How Stupid Was I

I took a deep breath at the bottom of my ocean

I wanted the death of monotony to be my vengeance

I wanted her love to baptize me, free me.  

How Stupid Was I

And how Stupid am I

sitting here now, broken and sunken

when I knew... I always knew

I wanted to die from this world and be reborn in her eyes

I am tired of this world

she... woke... me... up

How Stupid Was I

Now I turn my head from the sky

and look back down to the shackle on my ankle

and hear the clinks of the chain,

Just like everyone else around me.

How Stupid Was I

Sheets and Samurai Swords

 I didn't know her love would be so beautiful and wicked at the same time.  So many sheets have watched how diabolical she was with me...silent witnesses they were. But the memory of those sheets slash my mind like Kubikiri-Asa's sword.  The memories hurt more than the day she told me didn't love me anymore and walked away.  Now these memories run rampant like a mad samurai, slicing through any kind of concentration I try to function through my days.  The one thing it doesn't slash is her face and those sheets.  Sheets at her place which would get pushed to the floor, sheets what would get ripped off the bed in a hotel room, sheets at my place which I would pull over our naked and drained bodies after we ravaged each other. Sheets I would watch her sleep in. Sheets that would cling to her form, etching her curves in my mind.  Why doesn't the blade slash those memories... and save me.  Why do those memories remain impervious, why does her face live like the moon in my mind, pulling me to her, even though she's a ghost.  I used to lick her body, now all I have to lick is the bloody edge of this blade and wish that the blood is hers so I can get one last taste, but the blood is mine as I try to forget that I'm the one bleeding.  I can't even ask for my eyes to get slashed because the way she made love to me will be on repeat in my mind. I can hear Sisyphus laughing at me. The glimmer of the blade and shimmer of the sheets embody her glorious disaster as I tell my heart to lie still, lie still and break, break silently.