Marsha's 100 Hearts

A bloody bag of 100 hearts, dragged to a mountain's peak and set down.   

Here they are Marsha, 100 hearts. Listen to them scream, listen to them whale.  See how they bleed.  For years you silenced me from loving you and I didn't know how to express the pain you caused me. You ripped my heart so deep I couldn't find human words to scream in my head.  My heart was so shredded I didn't know how to comfort it, how to heal it. So I went and broke a hundred hearts so I could feel their pain, pain I couldn't express to you, pain I was never allowed to utter to you, gagged and refused...rejected.  I listened to their words so I could learn how to speak them to myself.  I needed their pain to lean on because I go through this life alone, carrying the remnants of this explosion, this disaster you left.  I let you move on without me and spared you the screams, I spared you having to hear how you hurt me, how you broke me.  You left me so confused, how could you love me the way you did and walk away. You said words to me I never heard from anyone else on this planet. How could you? How dare you! You left me with nothing to give anyone else after I poured all my love into you, you just kicked over my bucket and walked away.  The hollow space did not echo back to me because it was too deep to reach my ear.  I had to break these 100 hearts to fill this hollow space so I could finally use their voice against you. Their screams are my screams. Their torment became mine.  I gathered them all to be my symphony.  Their whales took over the darkness.  Their screams put me to sleep.  Their tears washed my body.  I now have the words I need to say to you, thanks to them. But now this bag of hearts will haunt me forever because I will not have your kiss to cool and quiet them.  Their whales are now beyond my control, their screams keep me up at night and I miss the darkness. So you win again Marsha, this bag of 100 hearts spoke for me but cannot save me, a point I did not consider, turning this decades old viscous hunt into nothing more than a fool's errand.  My legacy is now a path of broken hearts, chasing a love that will never exist. The one thing I can hope for is the gods to grant me the fortune to find that kiss in someone else.  Someone who will hear my wails and screams and hug them, see my tears and wipe them away, someone who will see the monster I've become and teach me how to heal and fill that hollow space you left. If I've scorched this earth too much to survive in it then I guess I will roam this dessert alone until my days end and consider that a blessing.

Friends: Pt1

It was a great day for the pool.  If you were inside you would hear the distant laughter from old stories being told mixed in with random splashes.  The hot summer afternoon brought these friends together.  I was happy to accept Chris's invite to come up.  I haven't seen him since he got married.  5 years.  They picked me up from the airport last night after demanding I finally take time from work and remember that I have a best friend.  I needed the break.  Liz knew all about me about me and boasted all she knew on the ride home from the airport.  I don't think I laughed that hard in a long time.  

So day one hanging at the pool was climbing down the right side of the clock and we decided to come in and figure out dinner. Chatter echoed and trailed its way through the house to the guest room where I was staying.  I hopped on the bed with my towel still wrapped around me.  Liz sat on the ottoman and Chris walked in but remained standing. The banter continued until something Liz said sent Chris in some odd direction about something he was frustrated about. The he said he's gonna grab a nap, and walked away.  In a bit of a daze I turned to Liz and saw Liz halfway through lowering her head in a sigh.

Me: What was that all about, you ok?

Liz: long pause...Chris is great...

Me: …but?

Chris:  he doesn't take things head on and stand up for himself.  I been trying to figure him out.  When he brought up inviting you here i thought it would be a chance to see what you would have to say and maybe see what I can learn from your guys interacting.

Me: Chuckles ..awe man, Chris is Chris, he's been that way since I knew him in 8th grade.  Somebody's gotta light a fire under that man's ass.

Liz: laughs...

Me: K so what do you want to know?

Liz looks up at the open door then scoots over the ottoman to the side of the bed where my head was.  She leans in but still kept her face towards the door.  She starts to speak so I had to raise myself up to get closer.  My nose pointed at her right ear peaking out from under her red shoulder length curly hair.  Then it hit me, when I inhaled. I felt like I inhaled a part of her soul cuz something connected deep down inside me.  For a moment I was swept up in how her hair smelled and how skin on her neck looked. Soon her whispers we like faded echoes as my mind took pull so hard I had to to close my eyes.

Liz: …and that's crazy right!?

Me: ..yea that is crazy ( I missed everything she said)

I had to snap out of it.  This is my best friend's wife.  I came here to see my boy and make up for lost time, not fall for his wife.  I been stuck behind a computer too long.  

We decided to go out to eat that evening for dinner.  Chris was showing me the town and took the scenic route.  He did well for himself.  Great career, moved to a nice town, nice house, a wife who loves him.  I was happy for him.  I was similar in my career path but I'm too much of a workaholic to slow down.  But no matter how fast he drove the wind from outside couldn't' push out the scent of her hair in my nose.  I started to feel guilty for thinking about his wife that way. When we parked I decided I'm gonna enjoy this dinner and enjoy this visit and celebrate my best friend's success.  

I went in feeling renewed. We got seated in a nice Spanish restaurant.  Music going, light and décor to taste.  While I'm looking up, I hear a fork drop on a plate, I dart my mead to see Chris standing up saying he's going to the bathroom and I look across to catch Liz again lowering her head with a sad face being covered by her red curly hair.  She raised her head after a moment with a deliberate shake and you see the curls quickly bounce.

Liz: So, this is nice right.  I love coming here.

She's totally acting like nothing happened.

Me: Are you guys ok?

Liz, stares at me in silence, then you see a deliberate breath on her chest.  Then she says...

(To be continued)

Rocket Love

Loving incomprehensibly is a life of hell but who's journey has a destination where a depth of love exists which no human language has ever been able to describe. 

But I've seen it, I've felt it, I feel it, all the time, by myself.  She told me, she touched me, then took it away. This glimpse, something I've never been able to unsee or unfeel. I now crave and search for it, like a mad dog hooked on a scent. This rocket I made my home...and prison. I'm chained to this chair, keys dashed.  The gas pedal welded to the floor, my heart nailed on top of it, beating to the revolutions of its monstrous engine. 

This solo blast of a lifetime, has taken me to depths of connections between souls I will carry forever. But this rocket heeds not, no matter how much I scream, or cry to stop, or cry...for her, or her, or her. I go too far, too deep, too fast and I'm immediately misunderstood, and my rockets speeds on, fueled by rejection. Impervious to pause, impervious to sloth, impervious to rest.  

I can't tell anymore if this is a curse or purpose to show the world something even I haven't seen yet.  I sound like a mad man, but what does sanity look like when everyone judges me anyway.  So let this rocket speed on. Maybe one day I'll crash into a sun so big I can't go around and not make it to the other side as I try to speed through it. Maybe then, yes maybe then I can sleep and burn in it's love forever...finally.

No Headlights

 I burnt my candle at both ends using a blow torch.  

The light excited me, I grinned as it blazed.

The melting wax landed on my shoes, I danced, happy heels caring not what tomorrow brings.

The stem of wax got shorter and shorter, 

I kept thinking something else was going to happen in the end.

'I must be right...I need it to be right....right?'

The burning wick smoked away into the darkness.

I didn't see how the white candle melted clear and looked like tear drops as they fell.

Hitting my shoe and turning cold white again as I danced, no wick to bring it back to life again.

My fevered anticipation quickly dissipates when the last of the wax melts and the 2 lit ends meet and die.

Nothing...nothing more now.  

I hang my head, confused, almost upset just out of disappointment.

One heavy sigh...another.

I guess they were right.