Owed To My Dad

On my 15th birthday, you came and said, "Andre, you're a man now...it's time to go out there and learn the world". That phrase has been burnt into my hands, my feet, my eyes.  I watched you as you would drive your sleeping family on Sunday nights back from the country.  I listened, as you made me sit in the passenger seat and tell me I need to learn to be awake for the whole drive, as it will be my turn to drive my sleeping family and I will need to be vigilant. I'm not sure if you thought my young ears would not listen but I did. I listened to all your quotes and sayings over the years.  I never said thank you because, at the time, I was too young to understand or live most of them, but as I went out into the world, they would become my sword and shield.  

We butted heads because you wanted me to be a doctor but when my life was upside down, I joined the health industry becoming a fitness mentor helping people with their health and I was successful at it, as a matter of fact, that's how I met the woman of my dreams.  And look at where I am now, soaring in leadership in the largest Hospital network in the Northeast USA.  I may not hold a scalpel but I've been affecting lives on a daily basis...you win.  

We butted heads again when you wanted me to be a pilot, but I have become a pilot, a pilot of my life. I went out there and took charge, took chances, I figured things out, I did what I had to do, and now I've climbed to heights with even more to soar in this endless horizon I am no longer afraid of.  I'm high on life dad, thanks to you...you win, again.

Whenever a challenge presents itself in my life, regardless of my actions, you're words and mom's words always come to mind first. They're tattooed in my mind guiding me and keeping me safe.  I thought I would never be as great as you, so I never acknowledged my own accomplishments.  But the people I now love and cherish have shown me I have much to celebrate and though not in the exact footsteps, they have shown me my greatness, a greatness worthy of acknowledgment.  They say "Like father, like son", I used to shy away from that saying, now I wear it proud.  As I move further into my own journey of life, I want you to know you have armed me well. You have raised an intelligent, strong, capable and proud son.  I conquer anything I put my mind to, in my name and yours and I want you to know I remain graced to be your son, proud to use my sword and shield, confident that what you have taught me can be taken to the Bank of Life any day, any time.  Being lucky to be your son has not only charged me with having a fruitful life, but determined to carry your vision as my own and pass down this sword and shield, making you live...forever. Thanks Daddy.

The Receipt

 You walk around with my heart in your back pocket like an old receipt you forgot about.

You smile, hang out with friends, laugh, drink, while I'm there, stifled,  hidden...forgotten.

No clue I'm there, no clue how much I loved you, no clue how much I'll always be in love with you.

You go home and throw your jeans on the floor, almost like trash..the way you threw me.

I end up in a washing machine and my heart gets drowned, ripped apart then burned in the dryer but you only take out the jeans. 

Your eye catches pieces of white paper, I think you finally see me and I look up with the gaze of a soul being rescued from hell.

But all you did was gather me up, crumple me, again, after all the hurt and in a final act of rejection, you throw me in the trash, now literally just as figuratively.  

I guess my circle of use and relevance is now complete.

You put those jeans on again and go out.

Pulse

Pulse

I never knew I had a pulse,

until I met you.

I never heard it's beat

Until you kissed me.

I never felt its light

Until you pulled it from the hole it was in.

I never felt alive

until you loved me.

I never thirsted for life

until you told me of your dreams.

I couldn't feel anything

until you put your hand in mine.

If my heart couldn't take it

You would give me yours.

I may lose my way sometimes

But your love will beat for us.

I woke up to a new world

Because your blood watered my soul.

Every pulse of my being now only beats for you.

Your face, your voice, your love courses through my veins.

My very existence is crafted by your smile.

With this pulse, I live.

With this pulse, I love.

Hibernate

I look up to the darkening clouds one last time to see the last sunset kiss my skin before going in.

Winds that kissed my cheek speed up and start to get angry, and rumble.  Sun rays which cascaded the mountain-side recluse and lightening descends. Only, this was not the weather turning the season, the cave I'm entering is not my home.  My paradise was you, your eyes, and arms my home. The storm coming is my guilt from my betrayal, this cave is my castaway.  Expelled from your heart, this cave is now my prison, a world without you. Nothing to do but compress my love and feel my soul crack from the inside. It wales and lashes in my chest, in my head, in my hands.  No sword to kill it, no shield to stop its sting.  I can't make it go away and it will not leave.  I will make it sleep...a silent fight, a silent struggle, a silent torment.  Curled up clutching my chest, holding it with all my might while my love for you slumbers restlessly knowing I can't give it to anyone else but you. 

Outside is pitch black now, just rain and thunder in all their fury. Rain dops so angry, when the lightning strikes they look like bars caging me in. My life rolls on like a sealed can on a conveyer belt, no one knows I'm empty.  I look like everyone else, I have to, or I would fall to my knees in agony, crippled in mourning. You look at me and you see a functioning shell, passing all the tests.  But just below my skin is a scream so soul-shattering waiting to escape.   

When will I have your face 6 inches from mine, when will our fingers be clasped while we sleep, when will your eyes show me forever.  This will never happen again. But this guilt is mine to carry until Anubis calls out to me.  I will never give it to anyone else,  While my love for you slumbers on, I will stroke its hair as I would if you were asleep beside me.  I will kiss its forehead as it is the most precious thing to me. I will lock my arms around it as I will hold no one else this tight, ever again.  I will keep my eyes closed and hold on to your image in my mind for as long as I take breath. I've had your love and with it, I need not love again, for your embrace is perfection and your kiss is an intergalactic exploration.  Our memories will soothe my years. To die alone and join the slumber of my love for you, reunited and I won't have to fight anymore. I won't have to hang my head in shame anymore.  I won't have to look at those bars or hear the thunder anymore.  I can live in the eternal Spring holding your hand and watching you smile at me.  

Until then, hibernate.

Dear Monster

Dear monster, please wake up!
This world is too cold without you, dear monster
I sent you to sleep and cast away the spell to wake you up
Dear monster, please come back.

I tried to love this world with the real me
I gave of me, to help, to love, to protect
But all this world gave back to me was pain
Dear monster please wake up.

When you protected me, we hurt them before they could hurt us.
I was able to save my heart from their scorn
I was able to walk away laughing
Not feeling a thing, because I had you
Dear monster please come back to me.

My world has been stripped like a rose in a tornado
They are cruel to me, dear monster, please wake up
They've used and ridiculed me, dear monster
I told you to go away because I wanted to feel real love
But I was wrong, I'm sorry, dear monster.

Show me your waking red eyes, old friend
Coddle me in your wings
Let me feel your firey breath
Let me hear you growl at them
Dear monster, protect me.

Let me soar though this world and feel no pain.
Burn those who come to use me
Crush those who rejected my love
Drag me away from those I thought I loved
Wrap me in your bosom.

My love will not be returned in this world
Take me away again to where I don't feel, don't care, like them.
Fly my feelings high to where they can't be reached, ever, again.
Come back to me, old friend
Let us fly and rule this world.